Another Saturday night and I'm here in the apartment. If I'm such a good person why doesn't anyone ever invite me to do anything? Am I that much of a drag? I try not to bum everyone out. All I want is someone to talk to. Maybe if I could have a sympathetic ear once in a while I wouldn't get like this. But everybody is busy busy busy. The old man tells me I can't just go to work and then go home but where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? What's the point of going someplace and being bored and alone when I can just do that here?

I stopped at a convenience store today to get some cash at the ATM and I parked next to this unfriendly-looking guy. And I went into the store and while I was at the ATM I saw this nice-looking young dark-haired gal come bouncing out of the store and get into this car. I love it. Everyone gets to have someone except me. I'm told that it's my own fault because I've let myself get heavy but right before I saw this guy I was at a movie and two rows in front of me was a guy who was heavier than me and he had a woman hanging onto him the whole time. I can't get a date and meanwhile my 40-year-old friend who literally still lives in his mom's basement is always going out with this one or that one. They look at me and see a guy who's divorced, got a job, paying all his bills, got his own apartment, has more depth than 90% of the men in this area and is at least trying to figure things out and they're not interested. They look at him and see a guy who's never been married, spends all his money making [expletive] Star Wars costumes, went to college for 8 years to get a BA, has no ambition other than to keep working at retail jobs, and lives in his mom's basement and they say, "ooh yeah, I gotta get me some of that." I recently did jury duty at a trial of a guy who got busted for (not once, but twice) trying to entice underage kids (of both sexes) to do things porn stars would find embarrassing and guess what? He lived with a girlfriend too. I love it.

Tell me I'm having a "pity party," tell me I'm doing it to myself because I'm "feeling sorry for myself," I don't care. What's the point? I try reaching out to people and no one answers. I don't want to hint at suicide because I'm not suicidal but I feel like that's the only way anyone would respond. Or maybe they wouldn't even respond to that. Or all they'd do is call the cops, and then I have to stand there in the hallway assuring the cop that no I'm not going to do anything and meanwhile everybody in the building takes that moment to leave their apartment and there I am talking to a cop, boy that makes everyone want to get to know me.

I wonder what would happen if I just packed up and moved across the country one day. Would any of my "friends" even notice? How long would it be before someone even said, "Have you heard from Max lately?" They don't seem to notice me when I'm here, why would they notice once I'm not?

I could go to the bar where my friend is DJing but 1) I don't like loud music 2) I don't like crowds 3) I especially don't like crowds where I barely know anyone and 4) it's not like I can talk to my friend since they're working. Plus because I'm on meds I try not to drink much but if you go to a bar and you don't drink, or you get a beer and make it last a while, everyone thinks you're weird. They also think you're weird if you just sit there by yourself and don't talk to anyone, and they think you're weird if you try to start a conversation with someone and they don't know you.

I don't feel like I belong here. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Maybe Scotland. Or Kansas City, Missouri. I've always thought Canada might be a nice place to live but I hear they're not very fond of Americans these days. And every day when I see the TVs tuned to CNN I can't say I blame them. I know life's not fair. I know the world is a rotten place. But it'd be nice to be asked by someone if I'd like to see some of it with them once in a while. Apparently I ask too much.