Well, the end to a couple of happy days. No I was not kidding. I just dont get how this was possible.

With my eating disorder, my cycles have been abnormal. My regular "little visitor", only came for 2 days last time.

Since losing our last baby, its been hard on this entire family. My doctor does not feel it would be likely to be able to safely carry a child. It devestated us with this loss, only 4 months ago.

Ever since then, the intimacy part of our relationship has not been strong. Not kidding, I got pregnant, with use of birth control, the second time we have been able to (well you know) since we lost our last one. And with my body being so out of whack, how could this happen. If I am being put to some kind of test to see how far I can be pushed, well I am finally past this. I am done. What the hell am I going to do?? How can I carry a child with this disorder, with the warnings from 3 doctors, and deal with everything else?? Sorry, not me. Can't do this. I just want to sit here and cry till I waste away.

I love children, please dont get me wrong, but in all reality, huh like this is such a wonderful idea to bring a child into this mess. Damn it, why??? I considered taking any pills I could possibly find, going far away, and just be done. How awful, I am so terrible. What a sinful, sick, stupid, ugly person I am. I just don't understand. I wish I would die. I am sorry, I need to vent this. So, so sorry.

Justy