Alone & confused: sorry for what you underwent too. i know you're right but i cant survive this. i dont want to. i dont want to live. and i dont see as either of us winning or losing. it just happened and i dont feel anger or blame for him.

Skeezyks: im sorry for what you had to endure too and you're still suffering for it. you're right about the unconscious level of the damages. its just hard to accept it. let it go

Open Eyes: hugs to you. but when i say i want to die its not for the present pain coming from the abuse but for the future pain that has nothing to do with it. i hate life. i dont want to bury my parents, i dont want to see others moving on with their lives while im still stuck here crying every day because i cant take it anymore. the past abuse schemas have remained, but the pain is for the present and especially the future. but maybe first i have to deal with the past? i dont know im so confused. i just want to die. i have lost my patient. i wanna do it now. stop thinking, stop feeling.

thanks everyone for responding