I was hesitant to say anything about this. I really don't want to upset anyone. This may be a touchy subject for many, please let me know. I don't think I can talk about this anymore, I am sorry. Please know how much I care for all of you, and my will to quit can be hard to see.

With a unborn child, what do I do. If I destroy my life, I destroy this little ones as well. But honestly, another child right now??

I would love to be able to take this as a wonderful, exciting happening. I adore children. I guess with what has happened with our last one, the warnings with even the hopes of oneday carrying another; just is not safe. I am really lost with this. I just don't get it. Its not like we tried for this, nor did we pretend that we could get away with safety precautions. We did use protection.

I can see me deserving this, but a baby, its not fair. When I thought I could not ever hurt more, or feel anymore saddness; Once again I am dead wrong. Its been hard enough looking at pregnant mothers, seeing there beautiful babies. I want to scream. I can't take this.

I want you to all know, if I am not around for a while, don't worry. I want to be alone, totally alone. I am making sure to see this lawyer friend of my t's, need to take care of the ones who need to be. I am tetering of the edge here, I think I am going to fall. And this time, I don't want to be saved. How terrible, I know. This is the way I feel.

Anyway, this is all I am going to say about this. Sorry, but this is not the place for issues of this matter. Its not right, and I won't do it to all of you. Just know I am here, in my own way.

Justy