Im not diagnosed with depression but i think its more of a given and very apparent right now. I have BPD, PTSD, GAD, possible Attachment Disorder and suicdal ideations though thats, at the moment, its a bit more 'on the edge'.

Not a clue why Im posting this. Maybe someone can help, or at least understand...maybe not, I dont know.

I grew up in a cult from ages 6 to 18 headed by my step dad & mother and the cult beliefs of me very much still rule my way of thinking about myself. More about that on my bio if anyone wants to read it. I can list them but i see that pointless.

I cut & "punished" for the first time in almost a month 2 nights ago and still extremely depressed. Would likely end it if the fear of death isnt so strong but i cant help to wonder what happens when the pain becomes greater than that fear?

I didnt do any of the self done rituals or punishments either for almost a month. That urge is back now. "Must do it to satisfy god" though if i could beat "god"'s head in with a baseball bat, I would. Though I cant help but to wonder if this "god" is punishing me for being a horrible person. Stupid I know but I find myself wondering that all the time. Maybe this is my punishment for what a did.

A massive urge to distory my entire house as well over the last few days. Im at work at the moment, an urge to throw my work computer across the room and smash everything, both monitors & everything to bits. Anger? Probably. Probably self anger as i cant stand myself, not sure why I long for others to like me. Why would they?

I wanted to throw my fist through the mirror last night. What i see looking back at me is the most horrific monster on the planet!

Blame has shifted from me to them before I joined here but i am wondering if its shifted back. I am defending them again. I am the blame for it all because i was born and it wasnt supposed to be me here, I was supposed to be an abortion. It was supposed to be the baby that died at 2 hrs old 2 yrs before i was born. He was supposed to live, not me.

I deserved it all. For what i did, I deserve any bad thing that happens today.

Its my mom's birthday in a week and a half. Mine a month after but his, the wanted boy, is 7 days before my birthday. Maybe thats the trigger. I dont know. Dont know much these days other then i wish id stop messing everything up....and i wish i had the guts to do what i really want to and end my suffering, end the fight...but im the coward....