Hello lostinsidemyself: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I also struggle with allot of anger (much of it directed at myself) plus suicidal ideation. I worry sometimes about what might happen if I ever truly lost control of my anger. Hopefully I would just take another whack at myself & not strike out at others... but it's difficult to be sure...

I also have allot of generalized anxiety. I pretty-much just keep to myself 24 / 7. I know that if anyone really knew me, they would want nothing to do with me. So I save them the trouble & just stay solitary.

Nowadays I simply strive to live in the present moment accepting things as they are. Happiness is not even something I pursue. But it is so difficult to overcome all that one has experienced in one's past. It can be like a ball-&-chain one can't help dragging along no matter what. I hope that, in some way, you can find the inner strength to overcome your despair & find peace.