I’m wondering if anyone could give me some advice / insight about being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic.

My boyfriend has been sober for nearly two years and has never had a relapse. We’ve been together for about a year and a half.

I’m writing because (due, in part, to a specific situation) I’ve found myself extremely depressed for the last two weeks. Like, nearly paralyzed by depression -- lots of crying, anxiety, shaking, etc.

Two days ago, my boyfriend came to me and said this wasn’t working for him. His reasons kept going back and forth between 1) he doesn’t see a future with me and 2) my sadness is just too overwhelming. Certainly, I know it’s no fun to be around such a depressed person, but this acute depression has only been happening for two weeks (although it does indeed feel much longer). I would have hoped he could have given me a chance to try to get better.

I was extremely upset about this, specifically the timing of it, and asked why he had to pick the middle of this trauma to tell me he wasn’t sure we had a future. He’s not typically a cruel person. Then he broke down and told me that my depression is too much for him to handle and was jeopardizing his sobriety. I am very supportive of his sobriety and would never want to do anything to put it in jeopardy. At the same time, it seems that when he feels overwhelmed and can’t have a drink, he doesn’t know what else to do. And that’s when he typically bails on things.

I suggested that he could have started by coming to me and saying he was freaked out by my depression and was tempted to drink. I said we could have come up with some middle-ground approaches (how can I work on myself without him feeling overly stressed; can we ask one of our therapists to meet with us together; can he go to an AA meeting; can we see a little less of each other for a while) before he ended things abruptly.

He decided he was willing to take some time apart -- three weeks -- and then get back together to talk about our relationship / breaking up.

I’m worried that I’ve essentially given him three weeks to bolster his idea that I’m too stressful. I’d like to be able to give this relationship another try -- and for him to believe that’s worthwhile.

Admittedly I don’t completely understand the mindset of a recovering alcoholic and I’d like to be able to better understand him so I can do a better job trying to make this relationship work. Clearly, he’s an individual, but I’m assuming there are some characteristics that are common among recovering addicts. With that in mind, what might he be afraid of, what might be a good compromise for me to offer when we get back together to discuss our relationship, what are things a recovering alcoholic really needs and what makes one shut down (because I feel he shuts down when things get stressful). I know there’s a chance he is just done with this relationship – which kills me. But I really want to salvage this if possible.

I’d truly appreciate any insight anyone could offer.