I hate this job that I have. In the beginning it was okay to put it at best, but then I feel as if I've found myself and all of my emotions that I have buried so deep inside me for so long just came pouring out one of these past days. I stopped and realized how much I hate the job--I love the place, but I hate the job. I realized that this just CANNOT be it for me.. I see my some of my coworkers surpass me in every aspect of life--straight out of HS they went to college, unfortunately for me I was struggling to keep a roof over my head because I moved out of my parents home when I was 18. I'm 23 now. At 18 I was suicidal I was using (Delsym) before I got forced into rehab, smoking weed and stuff. But it didn't develop into addiction I was just a teenager experimenting which is completely normal. After rehab I just stopped--it didn't bother me.

But many strange things happened while all of this was going on.. While in rehab one night trying to keep my sanity together because I was hopped up on Abilify which is an anti depressant that was not approved for someone my age I was 17 at the time; I sold my soul out of an oral/spiritual contract with God. I wrote my name and signature out of thin air and said I exchange it for riches and wisdom. I was speaking about material wealth and wisdom. I thought about selling it to the Devil--and I was so close to doing so, but I said "nah it might actually come true". I didn't particularly "know" God back then either but I just went with my instincts and gave it to Him instead. Since then my life has been hell, heaven, and everything in between. I went through various homeless shelters, gathered knowledge and life experiences, worked and lived in sober houses because those places were the cheapest to live. I've had several encounters with death, I once was stupidly crossing the road thinking the light was red and almost got obliterated by a Ford Pickup. Thinking about it, and how gravity works--the truck was going about 45 mph and the momentum of that truck at that speed would have sucked me into it and I was a HAIR no lie a HAIR away from that truck, but I felt something on my shoulder tug me and looked up and I thought "that must've been an angel". I actually did die once though. Fast forwarding, I refused to let myself eat out of trash cans, I refused to beg for money, I refused to beg my parents for money or to come back home. I refused to sleep outside on the street. So I set out to do the impossible, I was homeless for sure, living in and out of shelters until DSS found permanent "housing" for me IF you can call it "housing"; if you can call 20 grown men living in a 5 bedroom house "housing".

I was the target, young, handsome, "skinny" . I had to fight a lot, I was not letting ANYONE push me around. Through all of this I made an attempt to get myself into college--I was independent, living in public "housing", and on welfare. That would qualify me for complete financial aid right? Genius! I got a full financial aid ride for my first semester at the community college and even qualified for a $1500 refund! I was joyous! Too good to be true? You betcha. DSS threatened to SANCTION me if I did not go back and forth to the dept of labor appointments, even when I told them if I miss another class I will be KICKED out. They still sanctioned me, but God willing I wasn't going to leave empty handed, I was kicked out of four of my 5 classes because of absence and I passed standard freshman composition with a B thank God! I also received my refund some time later, somehow word got through the sober house that I had a good amount of money coming in and I had a price on my head. I was robbed of maybe ~800 dollars and I don't remember what happened to the rest. I got to spend some of it on things I desired though. I was also going through this strange sexual confusion phase. I didn't think that I liked guys but my body desired otherwise. But I loved girls, still do, and no I do not like men. In those times I was desperately trying to escape poverty and all the negativity that surrounded me and bombarded me everyday. I reached out to the infamous Peter Popoff when I saw his infomercial late in the night. He told me he'd make me rich, I went along with it because I was desperate but never showed exactly how desperate I was in public. I read information on his fraudulence but didn't believe it, I thought to myself since this man is a man of God of course he'd be scrutinized, it made sense.. But he kept asking me for money and information until I got fed up enough where I ripped his papers apart in the mirror and was done with him. This still did not shake my faith in God. I do apologize for flip flopping and these events are in the best chronological order I can provide for the moment. I was reborn a Christian out of an entire catholic family at the Salvation Army; I was staying there because of a 3rd 90 day sanction by DSS. I ended up staying 6 1/2 to 7 months. Knowing I could leave on my own but decided that I wanted God to lead me out on his timing on his will and on his approval. One day sitting in a mass I asked God to give me a sign that it is my time to go and I look down in the bible and it says "you are leaving" the next day I left. I couldn't make this up.

Fast forwarding to when the sober house I was currently living at was condemned by the town and all residents had to evacuate the premises immediately. I was listening to a song on my way back from work and my livelihood at the time was crumbling, I was in a state of mind thinking where I was going to live how was I going to make it to work and such and I started to panic while I was panicking the lyrics from the band Underoath went as follows "It's funny how we see things SO clear when we have NO TIME left to live!" And I've never heard that song before but he was absolutely right when the very words were being uttered God told me "I have a place for you." And so it was, a man from the church down the street allowed me to stay with him for some time, little did I know God was sending me in to do some dirty business. The first time I met him I sensed he had a little sugar in his tank. But I didn't judge, I was on a strict bible phase. This man was an undercover, you know the rest. He is 47 years old. We would horseplay, strange as to why he would pull down my pants sometimes I didn't pay any mind to it because my mind wasn't on him being gay or him having mal-intentions. But soon enough he slipped up and I caught him. There was one night I woke up mid sleep and felt the top line of my buttocks was unusually warm. I asked him are you touching my ***? He says no. Not that he would tell me the truth anyway. Fast forwarding I left to enjoy Christmas with my parents for 2 weeks, the night I come back I go to bed and I catch his hand reaching for my arm; I flip I say WTF are you doing!? He says what what are you talking about? Mind you, we were sharing a room, and sharing a bed. I'm not gay, and I didn't think he was either, I tried to make it as manly as possible, two dudes in a tough situation trying to make the best out of it is the mindset I had. And I stuck with it because I'm not having gay thoughts about us having sex, I'm trying to go to sleep to get up for work tomorrow man!--I'm not thinking about you! Anyway, so I caught him, I tell the landlady downstairs who has a 7 year old son.. She tells me I have to leave, I move in with my parents again. I pray that he never touched that child. That man was a wolf in Shepard clothing.

Fast forward, here I am. A lifetime of experience in my young hands. A grand old mind in a young body, reborn. And only words to show for it. I am working at this job which isn't dead end but I have no intention of moving up and staying there I hate the job but not the place. I'm stuck, and I never thought I'd say it but I'm growing weaker--I need some divine intervention, I don't plan on and have absolutely zero intention on working a solid 40 hours for the next 30 years of my life. I've seen too much, I've already DIED for Christ sake. I wake up and wonder what is going on? Is this it for me? Do I just work this stupid job go to college for a stupid degree to land another stupid career? No way I'm not having it. That's dead. Im not a normal person. Im sorry. I am still undecided career wise what I would want to do, what my passion is what makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I like to give, and share experiences. And give someone the knowledge I didn't have if they are going through a situation. I see people my age, some have a mind that is so sheltered, I look around and observe behavior and individuals my age and think to what kind of person I would be if I hadn't gone through all of this. I think what I would be if I had given up long ago. What a life this is isn't it? What a world this is. I wouldn't call myself fortunate for all the knowledge and wisdom I've acquired. I am humble indeed and grateful yes. I've had to tell grown adults how to live life I've had to teach grown men how to be productive? I don't know it all, heck everything I've learned could be futile. Everything is meaningless. All I think about is money, all I want is to provide for my parents, my brothers, my family. I want to give and be in that moment of liminal to see the changes on their faces. I want to live a life of harmony peace and love. I want those whom I love to eat wholesomely pray and love each other. I want to bring happiness to whenever I go, I want my parents to be proud of me. But this..this job this backbreaking work is not cutting it. Breaking a sweat for a measly check. I am grateful that I have a job, I am grateful for the things I've got so far but it is NOT ENOUGH. I am fed up to the teeth and I cannot take it anymore, I feel my life shaking into pieces I am becoming more and more unstable and reckless and I need to be pulled out before I self destruct.