I get what you're saying, I feel much the same myself. For me my psychiatrist said medication will only make a small difference which sucks big time!

The only way I keep going is to structure my days to keep me out of mischief. Recently I seem to have gathered a few people who seem to rely on me being around.

I HATE being this way, but when I get a better 5 minutes (or even a day) I try to grab it with both hands and get the most I can from it. Its such a nice feeling to be able to smile which I was able to do once yesterday.

I can't work any more, but I volunteer 1hour a week (doing something useful is important to me) and that is an oasis I try to milk for all the positivity I can get from it all week. For some of that hour I'm so focused on the person I'm supporting that I can forget (or almost forget) the fog in my head and the hole in my heart.

I don't know what else to say, I really hope there is more for you than you experience now.

Sending warm, encouraging thoughts and wishes.
☀️