Possible trigger:
Honestly, I'm not sure if she did or not. I have a lot of stuff, I guess I should say, that I don't know was appropriate or not (the memories I have are patchy. I'm not in denial; my memories are just very patchy in places). I'm still working with my therapist in terms of dealing with my worries and she's thinking it's a symptom of a larger issue -- which I admit I hate when she brings up that idea. It just feels so...invalidating (if I wanted some way to express issues with my mom, I would have just gone out and said it. I don't care about the subconscious, yadda yadda et cetera et cetera, I would have just gone out and said it). I mean, even with just patchy fragments about things, I am nervous. And it doesn't help that occasionally some people in my family acted like I just woke up and decided to invent that story. They've gotten better about it, but still...
(I guess it doesn't help that my therapist has worked with molestation victims before, just not mother-daughter abuse cases. And I guess one fear I have of why almost no one IRL takes it seriously -- the 'Net is a different story, and here is a different story, so thank you. Really.
-- is that some people don't think women are capable of abusing kids)
And it doesn't help that people in my life have had some variation on "don't talk about it, don't think about it", stuff like that. Which has actually made me question at times as to whether or not they care about me. I mean, if I had someone in my life who feared whatever bad flashes he/she was having, I would have supported him/her, I would have believed him/her, but...well, who knows? *Shrugs* They think the way they do because I have anxiety and OCD and so no matter what fear I have, they think it's the anxiety/OCD. My group therapist even said I wasn't allowed to talk about my sleep issues in therapy, never mind that we've never had a taboo on certain topics before.
I mean, I think I nearly had to end up in a psychward before they started to care about what happened to me. They're better now, but I guess part of me is still angry at how they didn't care about me.
(I'm...sorry if I come off as whiny. I had a lot of this inside me for quite a while)
So the first part of it could represent my fears about what might have happened, and my leftover anger at people. I think I even did a bit of a call out in one therapy session I had for people who didn't believe me, and another one for my dad for thinking that bringing a woman with
home.
Honestly, I don't recall ever having to hold her off with stuffed animals so I think the latter interpretation is more likely. I think I was just trying to reassure myself as of late that it'll be fine, and doing some personal treatment for my symptoms outside of therapy. Making certain steps, stuff like that. I doubt there's anything I can really do to get the memories in full back, so the best I can do is treat my anxiety and OCD and everything else. I mean, I'm not really certain of anything right now, except for the fact I do have symptoms that need to be treated. And...who knows? Maybe the memories will come back. Maybe.
I think the fact I had it prior to my first neurofeedback session is another factor. I think I was nervous about the neurofeedback session, and so that, plus a lot of what I mentioned above...that was a factor. So I have anxiety, leftover anger, and kind of realizing in some areas I have to sort of mentor myself. Hopefully on the latter I did a decent job.