This won't be one of my usual lengthy rambles. Just some sad thoughts I need to get out, perhaps talk.

Today I got hired for a job. I also have a freelancing offer in need of a reply once I have all the necessary documents. My life is looking up, and it terrifies me.

I have this vision of myself in 6 months to a year or more, working, paying off my debts, doing things on the side to self-improve, maybe starting to chase some ambitions or goals - and it's all empty. I see myself accomplishing everything I wanted but getting no joy from it. And no, I'm not talking about existential, death-renders-all-meaningless sense of emptiness. I've ceased to care much for that; it's a non-issue to human happiness, I think. What I fear, what I imagine, is simply feeling nothing within myself. Like, "I did everything I wanted, got everything I wanted, now what?" Feeling numb and bored.

Okay, maybe there's still a little existential depression in there. I'm envisioning myself mindlessly working, or shallowly interacting and feeling on every level that it's all so empty and pointless. I've only experienced that in short bursts, and I'm terrified of going back and deeper. For whatever reason I already see life, my future life, as just pointless, empty drudgery that might look good and do good things, but ultimately gives me no pleasure or fulfillment. And why live through that?

A few times in the past couple months I had a thought, that I would chase my desires with gusto, and then, when I reached that point of contentment, accomplished everything I want, I'd kill myself. If I got everything I could get out of life, why not?

It seems dumb to be thinking about this before even my first day at work, when paying my debts and self-perfecting are so far off, relatively. Maybe it's the food messing with my brain, I've been an eating machine for the last week. But...help? I hate feeling this way. I shouldn't be looking at impending success with such despair.