oh yeah :/
this is how i feel :/
i wanna break that damn window and crawl through it so i can live on the other side :/
it really sucks... but when you find something that works - even though its not good and doesnt work that well - works just a little; hold on for dear life...

i have been doing this since i was atleast 13 years old :/ but whatever - apparently this is a personality defect and there is not much i can do about it besides try to cope... to find brief moments of relief in-between all of the anguish :/ its just things look so nice when you're ontop of that hill able to watch through the window of how others see life :/
but these habbits just give me another reason to hide myself from the world... complete and utter avoidance - sometimes i wonder if i actually have split my personality ... but i know that its not a divided personality in such that the disorder would describe... just a line that i have that separates all of the do's and donts... and the dos are things that i've learned to do that arent actually what i want to do - but do to try to fit in and avoid the avoidance... well, avoid a bigger comflict i guess... so it doesnt seem like anyone can really understand how it feels to be me; what i feel like or go through :/ and i dont want anyone to know either - but sometimes i think maybe if i did have one person that knew me - the real me - then maybe i could try to transgress, but through all of these years i'm trying to learn and realize that the likely hood of this happening is practically null :/
just need to realize this is who i am...
ride on...