*******TRIGGER**********

I've set a new goal to not look for anything relating to blood, SI, cutting, ect on the net for one week. I realized I haven't been this bad in a year and a half with urges. I've been craving it everyday and I haven't cut in two years. Then last night was awful. I dreamed that there was this shattered window but it was still whole and I just punched my hand through it over and over and over again to make more cuts on my arm and to see the blood run down. Then finally the window shattered and broke all over me cutting my whole body. I hate myself. I hate that I want this more than anything. I feel so ashamed for wanting it even though at the moment I'm not acting out on the cravings. What the heck is wrong with me. And to top it off I'm taking badminton this year which takes a lot of wrist action and you can guess how well my wrists work with the damage I've done to them, and the cravings that are happening, and lately my conversion disorder is kicking in too which just adds more problems to this all.

I just want to break and give up. It feels so hopeless.