Yea I blame myself fora friggin star being out tonight. And the fact that I have zero self esteem doesn't help! I have a sulphur crested cockatoo. She really is a sweetheart but wow can she get loud when she wants attention! I inherited her with this relationship I guess.

And boy oh boy there won't be any talking tonight. He was woken up and hasn't slept In two days (ok and that's without being BP and manic so yea normal people get tired too). I get it! But! He just asked me about If I filled out some paper work we needed. No I didn't. I didn't even know about it. And guess what? It's been In my damn purse for a wk. This is exactly what I do when I dont want to admit there's a problem. I burry my head in the sand. He then pointed out how I'm manic and I've been making bad decisions that will never get me back to earth. I'm not making excuses for him but he's probably right. I am still drinking my daily caffeine drinks and taking my meds that this pdoc said are not helping. So I'm kinda leaning towards the "I'm just going crazy" deal. [insert many curse words here] And we all know what to do when you're at your wits end with sanity. But on my part I DID seek help the moment after I got tossed out of my job. They got me in to the only pdoc that was available and it happened to be a total jerk that straight up said he wasn't going to do anything, make an appointment! Now I'm furious and blaming him. What if I did do something bad after I left the office that day!? Hell, my appointment isn't until the 14th!

Sorry I just completely went off on a tantrum there. Maybe in about an hour, (at least till we put his son to sleep) I'll just ask my bf, "What do you want me to do?" What should I do here? I'll go to IP if he wants. But ill go, really friggin ticked and laying the blame that I never was given meds to "right" myself from the get go. Again... Burrying my head in the sand.

Edit: okay so I asked him what HE wants me to do here. He already admits he will never understand my MI so guess how this went? Bottom line, we're financially screwed right now and there's no light anytime soon. He told me to pretty much deal with it and go back to work. Yea not something you say to me when I'm already going crazy. I lost my cool and yelled "just wondering here.. Have you taken a reality check recently?! Do you think I want SSD because I'm WELL?! Ask yourself that, or try to be in my head for one friggin day or just leave!" As long as I bring up leaving first then I win right?!(crazy thought). Yea maybe when I was 18. He said no he didn't want to leave but I'm also not doing a thing to get the ball rolling. I'm at a loss. I can't possibly explain to a "well, mentally sound" person to put themselves in my shoes for once. Even I'm having trouble being in my own head at the moment. I cried, yelled, and now I hijacked my own thread. Even I think he should save his a$s and walk out. Very VERY sorry to anyone to has to read my ramblings today at all.

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