Here goes....this is my first time posting on a forum EVER and while I know we, as OCDers, aren't supposed to seek reassurance or browse forums, I am really quite desperate at this point. I will try to keep this as short as I can, as I know the anxiety associated with OCD can tend to make some of these posts quite long.

To provide a little background, I have experienced episodes of OCD since I was a child. They have always manifested in Pure-O themes. The first one I can remember was the harm theme which haunted me when I was little and then again at age 18. Over the last 7 years (I am now 25), I have cycled through harm, health, homosexual and relationship OCD. HOCD & ROCD have been the main themes I have experienced, however. I went into ERP therapy last year to treat a TERRIBLE episode of HOCD and it actually helped dramatically (I haven't had a relapse in that theme since then which is huge as it had been a theme for me for years since before treatment). Fast forward to now and I believe I am suffering from ROCD. Or am I? I guess that's what I'm here to get help/advice on.

I have been with my current partner for about a year and a half and it has been rocky for most of the time. I experienced the same cycle of doubts with my last partner as well (we were together about a year) and I eventually ended it for other reasons. This gives me hope that I am able to distinguish the difference between ROCD and a truly faulty relationship, however, this time around feels so much more confusing. I feel WAY more comfortable & at ease with my current partner than I ever did in my last relationship. When we are together, communication feels free flowing (most of the time) and I feel like I can be completely myself with him. I do question whether or not he has attributes that I want in a long-term partner. Some days I feel like he does and some days I feel like he doesn't. I don't know if I'm looking for someone who is perfect and says and does all the right things at the right times or if my feelings are valid here and I'm settling for a relationship that I'm not happy in. That being said, I constantly focus on his flaws & I mean constantly. I can't get over certain characteristics that he embodies and I feel as though I obsessively focus on them. I don't feel like I can tolerate them and I have to constantly nag him to change them although he never does. We have had many arguments and discussions about these things and he is adamant that it is based in my OCD but what if it isn't? What if we truly just aren't on the same page and aren't a good fit?

Most of the time I question whether or not I should be in this relationship. I question whether or not he is attractive enough or good enough for me (a very narcissistic thought, I know), if he really wants to be with me (it's ironic because I question this constantly yet the constant arguing due to my instability in feelings ends up pushing him away), if I really want to be with him, if I can put up with the things about him I don't like & aren't ideal, if this is the wrong relationship, if I even love him at all. I would say 80% of the time I don't feel good in this relationship - is what I'm feeling truly a result of OCD or are we just not a good fit? I really, truly don't know. I constantly here "go with your gut" and I feel like my gut is telling me it isn't right. But can I trust my gut? What if it's just fear & anxiety and if I didn't feel this way, our relationship would be good? But I can't leave. I feel frozen because I'm not entirely sure. Some days I feel like I want to do everything in my power to keep this relationship going and others I want to do nothing but end it. Most of the time I feel like I should end it. But.I.just.can't. I feel like I need to end it and I should end it and at this point, I know he is at his wits end with this too. I've had plenty of opportunity to leave the relationship by way of certain conversations we've had and I haven't although I feel I am getting to that point.

To add to this I often feel irritated and angry with him and if it's not one thing he's "doing wrong" it's ALWAYS something else. I don't know - I know that I have some work to do on myself individually with this but I'm just so exhausted and burnt out from feeling like my needs aren't being met from over-analyzing everything. A lot of times I feel as though I'm being manipulated in our conversations (he says the same thing about me) as he constantly tells me our fights and arguing are my fault due to this. I don't believe arguments are ever any sole person's fault. A lot of the time I wonder where the fault lies - is it with me and ROCD? Or is it him? I just don't know and it's truly having such a horrible impact on our relationship and my overall quality of life.

I feel like I'm rambling at this point but can anyone relate to any of this? What do you all think?