One of the things I like about being alone, I feel very little guilt.

When ( in two more weeks) my husband comes to visit, he gets easily disappointed in me. Thinks I'm not trying hard enough.

He's never understood that I can not try to get rid of bipolar.
While I'm ok doing nothing, but reading or online or DVDs , he wants me full blown organizing projects, painting new water colors. Inventing new recipes.

Another thing he doesn't get is the med combo I'm on is set to prevent hypo mania.
Before all the meltdowns of last Spring I was on Adderral Valium and Norco( opioids ). Then when I weaned off everything I went into a deep black manic hole. Cut off all my hair and spent a week at a time with no sleep. It was the worst episode of my life.
Took 6 months of in and out of ip to make me somewhat sane.

Now. I just want to kick back. And it's harder when he's here.
If I select a book, I can lay on the couch and read. I have no new books here.
If I'm online I can tell him I'm checking in with you guys, my online support group.
But he'll go out to jog and then down to ocean for a swim.
When he gets back fired up with endorphins, I get the lecture. He says, "See. I just made it my goal and did it!"

It's hard for him to see the incredible effort I need to make to shower, brush teeth and eat healthy.

If we ever made love ( which we haven't probably in 10 years or more, we could use up some hours in the day doing intimate things. He won't cuddle, spoon or kiss.

I'm not going to leave him. Our financial well being is dependent on us as business partners. And now after 20 years ( 34 for him at work, he's thinking of early retirement. ( he is too young to collect his pension.

How can I fake it and look productive?
We don't have a car here.