That's pretty interesting, actually. Regarding the accusation...I actually remember it slipping out twice because at that time, I pretty much had zero guides to what happens when a dream-memory-whatever you've been carrying with you for a while (I think I remember it popping up when I was a teenager and watching Brad Jones' DVR-Hell on Too Smart For Strangers -- that was before I left the TGWTG fandom after it basically...well, you wouldn't want to see it now is all I have to say. And I remember it popping up again when I was twenty) and...honestly, I shouldn't have done it, I had almost zero support on this, but I guess Mom kept quizzing me and it slipped out.
As for feeling like aspects of my connection being tainted or broken...well, there were certain behaviors in my youth that I'm kind of reevaluating (read: panicking at what I'll probably find) -- the really troubling part is that while my really clear memories are clear, some of the memories I'm trying to evaluate are patchy and rather cloudy. (Now, granted, I guess everyone has patchy memories and memories aren't like video recorders, but considering how my memory is usually pretty good -- I think it can even go back to when I was possibly a toddler -- and I am starting to regain pieces of my childhood...it's troubling) And putting that aside, she just seems to have this weird skepticism/cynicism about people, things like that. And she and my dad are really overprotective of me, thinking I can't do certain things myself, she actually thought that
And then there are kind of the other things -- small things, I guess. Maybe not strong enough to break my connection with her (as a young adult, I've kind of had a very strong loyalty to my family. Now that the flashes are back, though, I feel like I can't trust anyone) but definitely things where I got angry with her. I think during those times I usually just got defiant, vented in a journal or something, things like that. As for what I can relate to, well...she did tell me that I act the same way she did when she was my age, and there is the matter of my OCD kind of telling me things that...honestly, I don't think I can say aloud; they're too disturbing. (And again, it loops back to 2013 when I think the worst of these thoughts started. Though there's probably more I have yet to even acknowledge to myself, actually) And both things...well, one is actually kind of unsettling and the second...it does kind of feel like I'm deconstructing myself the deeper I dig. Like "who am I? Why am I the way I am?" Things like that. And finding some rather disturbing truths that aren't really related to what set this off in the first place.
(So I guess whatever did or did not happen, I do have...issues that need to be treated)
As for how I dealt with issues with my mother, I vented to other people about it, I wrote...that's the most I can remember. The thing that really makes this even stranger was that...well, you know how some girls are Daddy's Girls? I was more of a Mommy's Girl as a kid, and it helped that I found her easier to relate to than my dad, where we...kind of fought a lot (though we have a stabler relationship now that I'm an adult). I was actually surprised to hear from Mom that I was close to him as a little girl (though it is backed up by the videos) because I was thinking, "I was close to him? But we couldn't stand each other!"
Right now, I've mostly been writing stuff down, working on my writing, working on some of my other issues (I realized that recently when I'm really distressed I pick at my face, which I've been trying to decrease), things like that. There was an anxiety workbook that Dad has that I think he gave me, but I'll be honest, I don't know if that can actually help me. As for relating to my mother...well, in terms of my mother-side, I can acknowledge a lot of the uncertainty I've been having, as well as feeling like I'm taking a trip down the rabbit hole. In terms of relating to my mother...I admit that I'm not quite certain.