Hi DechanDawa. I hear how much you are hurting from your recent posts. I wish I knew what to say here....some words of wisdom or common sense. Some direction or a recipe for improvement...I'm sorry I do not.
I wish there was some kind of magic formula that would fix, or even give you an instant break from depression, as pain killer does for chronic pain...just a day or an hour even. I think, if there was, we would have a renewed spirit to fight another day.

Perhaps medication is an idea to think about. It won't magically take it all away...nothing will, I think. But if you can just get by so that you CAN start to help yourself in other ways, then I know you have the strength make some really beneficial choices. I hear it in you. Then, when you can do that, you can reduce or eliminate the meds. I fully understand that it's trial and error, but I believe that there is hope in that. And hope is a kind of candle in the dark (for me, and I think for a lot of us)

Whatever you choose to do, please know that I wish for some improvement for you.