Hi guys, I haven't been here in forever, but I needed to talk about this and I remembered that everyone was nice when I was here last. I feel like a fair weather forum goer but I had something happen today and I needed an open ear.
Okay background, so much background:
I am 20, first off.
My father abused me my entire childhood, I was never allowed to do things that made me happy, I was supposed to make everyone else happy. He abused me mentally and emotionally, called me names, never respected me, and pretty much used me to make him happy. I was afraid that he would take it to sexual abuse, because he treated like a wife, but he never did.
My mother is bi-polar and although we moved away from my father, she continued the abuse in a way. She wants me to take care of her, she wants me to always care about her over myself. She wants me to do whatever she wants me to do, and only do what I want if it helps her.
So I have never been allowed to do things that merely make me happy.
I am also transgender which my mother will never accept, mostly because it threatens her view of me.
She now has a boyfriend and he seems to expect much the same thing from me.
I tried to talk to the rest of my family but all they wanted to do was tell that what to do, they said I should join the military, they said I should go into a job that will leave me stuck in a cubicle for years.
None of them asked me what I wanted.
I have a job, I pay for my own things and other people's. I pay rent. I am not a freeloader. I have my associates degree.
So the current problem:
I am supposed to move out in the fall and I am supposed to go to university. The thing is, I haven't applied yet, I know where I want to apply, I have been half applying for months now, and stopping at the end of the applications. The thing is, they keep asking me why I want to go there, and why I want to go to college and I can't answer them. I literally can't tell them why I want to go. I am supposed to go, my mother has always said that, you're smart you need to go to college.
So today I went out in the woods and climbed a hill to get far away from everyone and talk to myself, I had to get away from people. I asked myself if I wanted to go the university and I wrote down that I didn't think that was at all stable enough to actually go to university and actually do well, actually succeed. I am supposed to be finishing off one class, and I am already so stressed out with it and my job and trying to apply and my family that I can't even do that one.
I feel like I was shattered into pieces by everyone expectations, I feel like I gave myself away to help everyone else and never took care of myself. I feel like I am still doing that. I don't understand who I am, I am usually so apathetic that I might as well be a shell of a person. Ever since I moved away from my father I have been trying to just run headlong at the next thing again and again and never giving myself time to heal, time to figure myself out, time to understand how I have changed. I feel like I haven't understood myself since I was 11, I feel like I broke apart then and I never took the time to glue myself back together. I have had several therapists and though I have made progress with each one, I always end of on the same place, on that hill, in the woods and I think it is because I am unable to really change things while I live in this house.
So today, when I was up on that hill, I had a thought. What if I just picked up and left, had a mid-life crisis at 20-21. What if I just left in the fall? What if I just left and for once, just drove, just for a couple weeks, with no final place in mind and then settled down somewhere, in some state and got a job and took care of myself, and figured out what I actually wanted to do with my life.

What if I ran away?

My mother also said that people who take gap years never go back to college, they never become successful. But if I am ignoring everything else she says, if I choose to do something that she would never do, if I am doing something that is at the same time so utterly stupid and possibly the happiest decision I have ever made, then it doesn't really matter what she thinks, does it?

Massive trigger warning: suicidal idealization

I didn't make a plan to get off that hill, I didn't make any kind of suicide plan either, but I made no plans to leave that hill. While I was sitting there thinking, I thought about how I always came back to that place, mentally I mean. Every time I go there, it gets worse, every time I think of something else, but I can never make any kind of lasting changes because I am so stuck. Next time, I may very well go up there without a plan to come down and a way to never leave. I need to do something to stop that from happening, I think that I need to run away before I can piece myself back together.

I don't know what I want from this post. I know running away like that, with no plan is probably a stupid idea, but I think it might be the only way to save my life. I want to live. I want to succeed, I want to be more than a shell of a person.

I want to be myself, whoever that is.