So I will just give fair warning that this is going to be a long post. I haven't been on here in months, but I feel like I'm spiraling today and I thought it would be best to start typing rather than sit at home alone with my thoughts. If you want to read it, thank you. You don't have to, but please don't be upset that it's long; I'm aware. I tried to condense it. I couldn't.

Backstory: I am single and 37, no kids. I've just graduated and am a healthcare professional, just started my dream job, finally got my ish together after several years of battling mental illness and making up for dysfunctional choices. I am (other than today) happy and content, but I would love to meet someone with whom to share my life. I've also done online dating many times in the past. Given my personality (I'm an INTJ if it matters) it's just not the ideal way for me to meet someone; the old-fashioned way has far less expectation. But the situations in which I can meet someone are practically nil and while yes I can get out more, that doesn't change the fact that I'm 37 and there are a lot less single people my age out there. So I figured I'd try OkCupid. It's not the best, but it's not the worst, and it's free.

The Guy: I've been on there about a month and a half. In January, I began communicating with a guy (J) to whom I almost didn't even respond because I didn't find his photos attractive. But his profile and eloquent message hooked me and I figured, why not? After email and text volley and a few unavoidable reschedulings, we were able to have our first date. Now, I will admit, I've been incredibly resistant. I was finding a lot of reasons to dismiss J. During our date, it was even worse. He expressed interest and wanted to see me again, even texting me that same night reiterating how much he'd enjoyed himself. I agreed to a second date though I was finding a lot of excuses, mainly that he does have some flags on the field that concerned me the main two being he is 40 and due to a job which required extensive travel, lives with roommates. He also alluded to a couple of expensive cars he no longer owned which he is still paying off. He does have a great job, is highly intelligent, he's got a kind, mellow, even-keeled temperament (which is what I think I like the most), and he's a huge geek, just like me. We have a lot of interests in common, and the more we communicate, the more we click.

Fast forward: I am a crazy person in relationships. I thought I had a lid on the fear of abandonment thing, but I don't. I get anxious, panicky, paranoid...I'm sure some of you know what I mean. Initially, when I wasn't sure about him and he was texting every day to say, "How are you?" I was like, ehhhh do we have to communicate every day? But when I started to get invested, I attempted to meet him where he was at. And then I exceeded that and became a little too communicative. I wanted to communicate about these red flags, figure them out before the second date, blah blah blah... and there were a couple of times when he would just *BOOM* drop the text conversation. And I know, I KNOW that's the way it goes. It doesn't bother me in any other circumstance. But in this one, I got paranoid, and I vocalized the fact that I was trying to communicate, trying to get to know, and I was upset. He handled it far better than I expected as in instead of dropping me like a stone, he continued and even opened up the dialogue. I told that while I am basically happy and solid otherwise, I am a crazy person in relationships and turn into someone I don't like, and am completely unfair to the other person. I said I didn't feel like I could put myself or someone else through it. After a bit of discussion, he said that he thought I was a really cool person and still really wanted to get to know me. I said okay, but I didn't want to do it with the premise of dating...let's get to know each other as friends first. (Thinking of course that we'd possibly move towards dating, because of course guys can always read our minds...ha.)

We shared a lot of fairly deep info in the subsequent week about ourselves, our pasts, and our families. We both have a lot of baggage and while we're a little road-weary we both seem to be pretty solid in spite of it which I think we admire about each other. We went out again this past Friday, had a fantastic time, were out until 4am just sitting in the car chatting. I was becoming smitten and thought we were on the same page. We hugged goodbye (same as the first date...I chose not to kiss him initially) and I finally let my guard down to hope that this was something that could really go somewhere. The next day, I was mildly flirting with him through text, and he wasn't responding the way someone who has the same interest would respond. There was a lot of, "You too ;-)" and etc. But I felt distinctly as though he was pulling away. By Monday, I was in full-blown paranoia mode. He wasn't communicating the same at all, and I found myself doing that thing where you become more clingy the more the other person pulls away. I'm not proud of it, but by Monday night, I texted a very long message that was probably more than a little demanding of his attention. I was eloquent and plain-spoken, but it was the timing that I felt was a little demanding, after he'd already said he'd had a long day.

The letdown: I told him that I felt I was probably in the wrong since I'd expected him to read my mind a little, but that in our recent communication and especially with our recent date, I'd grown to really like and appreciate him and I didn't want to just be friends, and I wasn't sure we were on the same page. He said that we were not. He said that he spent a lot of time thinking over the weekend and came to the conclusion that he needed to get his ish together before he went into a relationship. The things that I'd brought up as red flags for me he said really were things that he felt needed to be taken care of: he should have his own place because his roommates prefer he not have people over. My current apartment has paper-thin walls...see a problem? He is actively interviewing for a new job which may take him elsewhere (this is his biggest reasoning). He feels that the debt needs to be taken care of. I told him that while I didn't disagree with some of this, I don't think that all of it is a reason to avoid a relationship. I asked him to please be honest about what I may have done. We discussed overcommunication with texting, but he said that really wasn't a factor in his decision as that was something which could have been worked out. I told him I felt badly that he'd had to put up with some of my neuroses and BS and he said ias cliche as it is this truly was about him and not me. He said he thinks I am attractive, I am an incredible and very interesting person, and he still really wants to know me. He said that he just doesn't feel he has really put roots down anywhere, and he doesn't feel it'd be fair to put them in someone else's pot only to rip them out.

For the record, neither one of us is interested in casual, non-committed sex. I told him that I felt all of his points were valid, that it would be nice to hang out sometime but that I didn't want him to think he had to say he wanted to in order to spare my feelings; I'm not really that kind of girl. He owes me nothing. He can go. He said that he doesn't just say things like that; if he didn't want to, he would say he didn't want to.

The Spiral: What is the most painful for me is not that J doesn't want to date me, though I did allow myself to hope, and the letdown is hard. It's that this is where it happens every time. I reach this point where I allow myself to hope that there could be something with someone, and they decide I'm not right for them, that they don't want to date, they meet someone else, whatever. For someone who is already a neurotic dater, it doesn't help at all; it makes it even worse. I am almost 38 years old. I haven't had a serious relationship in 7 years (partially by choice but mainly because no one's been interested), and haven't had sex in that long, either. Believe me when I say that, aside from the neurosis, I am a great person. And the neurosis isn't forever; it goes away. Even J said he recognized it as something which would, with time and a buildup of trust, ease up and he felt that I handled myself appropriately when I felt my emotions were getting too overwhelming (usually I'd say, "Look, I'm sorry, I'm pushing away and I can't text anymore tonight," or whatever). He said he felt it was a sign of a really solid person. I don't know if he's full of BS with all of what he said to me last night, but that was nice to say.

I feel like I need validation. I want someone to tell me that this guy was attracted to me, that it wasn't all my fault, and that he isn't just telling me a giant fib. My mind keeps saying, "If a man wants to be with you, he'll be with you." But the reasons are legit, and I'd rather hear them now than months from now. Of course, I know no one can give me this validation except J. And he said all of the above last night. But when I woke up this morning, in my self-depreciation, I just don't believe it. What I believe is that I need to just quit looking. Throw in the towel. It's a pattern that just keeps on going and I will never, ever be able to date like a normal person. And no one deserves this BS. The one person in a million that I actually finally clicked with and who seemed to be able to handle me with grace decided it's a no. And it's not about him, it's about the fact that I just can't keep putting myself through this--it hurts to much and takes too much too keep pulling myself back up.