Quote:
Originally Posted by vonmoxie
Hi Dechan..
I am in a situation perhaps similar to yours right now, in that I have found that the best I can do for myself in an episode of depression is rely on myself personally, even though that does have its own set of potential complications. I'm not advocating for or against any therapy as I can only speak to my own experience, but for me it is in part due to budgetary constraints that I forge through on my own.. as well as admittedly being as much the result of a lack of confidence I've developed in the psychiatric industrial complex's existing (in-)ability to provide me with useful assistance for my individual situation, a conclusion I've come to at the cost of many wasted years and much heartbreak. That said, I've only ever gotten through previous depressive episodes as the result of my own force of will and without outside interference, so I'm not sure what I have could be called treatment-resistant; only perhaps industrial-treatment-resistant, or simply pharmacology-resistant. (Which I don't look at as being a bad thing as I'd rather not bombard my physiology with more drugs that don't work for me anyway. For me the cost-benefit analysis tells me no. Let's say instead that it's the drugs that are vonmoxie-resistant.  )
One thing that's hard for me is that I have a few more stressors than I am specifically inclined to burden family and friends with; the downside of this is that existing in a vacuum as they do they fester psychologically and seem even bigger than they really are (although they are indeed real and considerable to begin with). Everyone needs to unload, especially when stress is high. I should probably start journalling again, so that at least I will have paper as a confidante for those issues I don't think will currently benefit anyone to air.
Something I've also been thinking that I need though, to accompany my self-help, is a sponsor, kind of like in AA. ("One day at a time" can evoke a different meaning for depression since the days can seem like endless baths in molasses, but it's still a good approach.) I don't need a lot, just someone who simply understands the headspace of depression, and can speak to the worst parts of it when they come up, which is for me the catastrophizing and the isolationism. I don't need someone to tell me it will all be okay because I desire to maintain a realistic viewpoint about what I need to accomplish, about where I'm starting from, going, etc... it's merely the littlest nudge that I need sometimes from someone who gets its. It's just that the isolating I tend towards when depressed can prevent me from me from coming across a nudge like that over the course of a day. That's the only prescription I'm really looking at obtaining for myself right now: one friendly nudge per day, preferably in the morning. Refills monthly.
Is there someone in your life you can touch base with about struggles related to depression? PsychCentral is good in its ways.. I like the nature of the collective intelligence that exists here, so many well intended voices and perspectives in one place.. but it's not quite as tactile, which can be satisfying at a different level.
You're always welcome to send me a PM, should you be so inclined! I can't promise answers.. or solace.. or even promptness half the time.. but I'll always try. 
Hoping you got a scoch of inspiration.. or thoughtfulness.. or at the very least a laugh.. out of something or other that I wrote here,
   von |
This was an incredible post, von. Thanks so much. You put into words so much of what I am feeling and thinking, right up to the idea of a nudge a day! This whole recent crisis is because I have to move out of my apartment (my cozy cave) and probably out of the town where I have lived for 22 years, due to rising rentals rates. Doing it alone is what seemed to increase both my anxiety and depression to unprecedented levels. There is also a small matter of unemployment. I think was in some kind of depressive stupor and just procrastinating, so now there is also a lot of self-castigation.
You started a pretty interesting discussion about coping. I have weathered four major depressions and many minor depressions, and what strikes me as very odd is that I simply cannot remember how they ended. Not a one. But end they did. Medication was never a big factor although I did use benzodiazepines, which I no longer have a prescription for. I know I also used smoking cigarettes. I quit smoking over a year ago.
But mainly I just rode through them on my own, I guess, doing some CBT, journaling, whatever. A little therapy which never helped me much. Never hospitalized.
I don't even remember what those past depressions felt like. Was I this scared? This anxious? This depressed? If so, how did I ever get out alive?
It sounds so dramatic.
But I did survive.
I like the idea of a nudge. Before this blasted full-out depression I had support people. I had a spiritual advisor, and vocational colleagues, volunteer buddies, a meditation group etc. What strikes me as odd is that the depression seemed to just wipe away my life leaving a barren slate. If one could be curious about depression this is, to me, the most curious characteristic. How is it that I just let my life melt away before my eyes?
The kind of nudge you describe reminds that when I got divorced I knew what I would miss the most. I was married to a nudge. I think it was a big factor in weathering depressions without losing a life. Just little things like encouraging me to write poetry during a depression, and I even sold a few poems. It is like someone telling you that although depressed you are still contributing a lot and are worthy of love and care etc. The combination of depression and living alone is lethal.
I am not sure where someone finds such a nudge. I am using Psych Central, but I dislike the cyberspace aspect. It would be much better, I think, to have a real live group, because cyberspace seems almost tailor made to keep the reclusive depressive in their cave.
Let us know what you find, nudge-wise. And thank you. Great post, von!
Dechan