One more thing, in addendum to the book I wrote previously tonight...

I'm starting my dream job in a few weeks. I was so excited to finally be making this transition and to start working in this career I've studied hard for (and okay, to make more money). I'm not excited for anything anymore. I canceled plans I had this week because I just...I don't want to hang out with friends. I'm like a lump of person, and they don't deserve to have me be No Fun with them. I've spent the entire day, since I rolled out of bed at 12:30 in my pj's, intermittently crying. OMG, imagine if this guy had actually been my boyfriend and we'd broken up. I'd probably be hospitalized; I'm not kidding.

And there is the problem. I'm not crying because I'm sad he didn't want to date. I'm crying because I am grieving the loss of my dream of ever possibly having a healthy, long-term relationship. I am undateable. I have to face the fact that I cannot function like a normal, healthy person in a relationship both for my own sake and the sake of any potential partners. I thought I was okay, thought that I was moving along really well and had healed from a lot of stuff. I haven't. I probably never will, because as much work as my T and I do, this doesn't seem to be abating at all.

I am a smart woman and can achieve a lot just by putting my mind to it, and I have! It makes me feel so incredibly sad and dejected that no amount of intelligence will help me to obtain or maintain a relationship. It's not a skill I have in my database. I know a lot of people have come from bad backgrounds which didn't give them the best foundation, but I have nothing. That part of me is just...there's nothing to grab a hold of. I have literally no reference, and most of the people I've ever cared about have left me. So I'm broken in this aspect. Everyone around me knows it, and I am both embarrassed and despairingly sad.