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Lemon said:
That's interesing Pink. I am constantly having conversations with my T in my head. Not intentionally, I just am always imagining telling her about things that have happened to me or how I feel about things. Then I imagine her response. I find it annoying at how often i do this, it feels like too much sometimes. Do you never imagine how a convesation will go with your T or how you'll describe something from your past to him? Or when you said you'd never done this before was this imagined conversation somehow more intentional and that's why it was different and more helpful? I'm curious because personally i wish I could have a few less of these 'in my head' conversations.

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Whenever I think about T, it is just that-- about him. Or I may think, "Oh, I wish I could tell him this right now..." I think about the content of things, I process things.... but I have never actually had a mental conversation with him. Not intentionally, not unconsciously. I think it is because I am always so consumed with analyzing and processing the content of off stuff... that I never let myself go and experience is like that. I had to force myself... really force myself to do it. Only because I've read about it on here... many of you said that you do it and it helps. I didn't understand. So I forced myself to have this "conversation" with him. Well, I didn't really imagine him saying anything back. So it was more that I was telling him stuff. I guess the closest I've ever come to doing something like that was once when I wrote a letter to him. (Didn't give it to him... just wrote it). I think that same as I am in therapy, I tend to be very intellectual about what's going on... so just like I have trouble free associating in therapy because I'm always trying to make sense out of my nonsense (I read that in Winnicott, I love it) I have trouble letting go when doing the work at home. I guess that's why I write poetry the way that I do. It serves that purpose. Completely raw.

Long answer. Sorry. I really started to think about things here. Thanks for the question. I think I needed it.