In addition to what used to be called PDNOS I have a condition that used to be called DDNOS, similar to DID but not so extreme. And in particular I have two “parts” that are narcissistic and don’t care about anybody but themselves and me, as they understand me.

Ten or twelve years ago when I wasn’t so aware of these parts and their separateness I felt possessed and even went to an exorcist. After I was diagnosed with DDNOS I read somewhere that feeling possessed is one of the symptoms.

At this point, after therapy with a dissociation specialist, I know my two “unwanted” parts fairly well. One I call Antisocial – a male character with the “look at me, I’m the greatest” aspect of narcissism. The other I call Female Snotty ***** and she is actually dangerous. Not usually to others. Mostly these separated characters have “acted in” more than acted out. And the vicious self-hatred from Female Snotty kept me on the straight and narrow as a little girl which was adaptive back then.

This forum has helped me, and the unwanted characters, a lot. They have attitudes and action tendencies which do not feel out of place here as they do in the rest of the world, even in my therapist’s office. I don’t usually let either of my characters “have” the body, because they do and say things which other people find unacceptable. Nevertheless, because they are (motivationally) separate I don’t know the kinds of things they know and the only way for me to find out is for them to be embodied. Then I can hear what they say and feel their energy. Unlike some people who have alters that talk with each other, my two unwanted characters don’t talk to me very much and vice versa. Sometimes they have just taken over – generally not a good thing to do – when there are extreme circumstances that feel life-threatening to me.

I’m trying to learn to appreciate them more and understand their purpose. There has to be one, otherwise why would they have behavior at all? But I guess they feel I might not agree with or accept their purpose if I knew it. Straight and narrow, goody-two-shoes. So that’s why they stay separate and don’t tell me!

They are survival modes. When the family-of-origin and be-thoughful-of-others ethics didn’t want them they stayed around anyway. For my survival. It seems very illogical than any organism should hate themselves or their survival. Yet, that’s what I do more often than not. Not very appreciative of me, no wonder they refuse to help me? “But you’re so conceited,” I could say to Antisocial, or “You hurt people”, I could say to Female Snotty. “Yes, and. . .”, they might respond. “There are reasons for that and I don’t do those things very much.”

They are there for a reason.