Moving to a new place is very challenging decision for anyone (college or gap/escape). I am new here but you're correct about lots of nice people here. I am really glad I read your post and you did "get back off the hill" so I could meet you and say Hello. I am much older but I have had those "I am so stuck and does it matter anymore" doubts also. I am glad you took care of yourself then and now; You did well and I am proud of you.

I really understand your quote "I feel like I was shattered into pieces by everyone expectations, I feel like I gave myself away to help everyone else and never took care of myself." I think it is totally truthful, insightful, and relevant. You do need to take care of yourself (healing from abusive father), not your mother (role reversal? the child is the caretaker). Young people headed to college/other all have many considerations and worries so much of this stress is normal for everyone. The trauma background does create many additional challenges for you. The "taking care of yourself" can happen in any location and whichever location/school/job you choose I wish you the very best there.