I think sharing our experiences is very intimate in a digital way and each of us here must have some pure trust to reach out with our inner love to others (on the forum and elsewhere) hoping they will *gently* respond.

I am sorry you were hurt ever, ever, ever. I think the feeling of wanting to just run away is very understandable and the action of staying around to face those fearful doubts and conquer them is very brave. (I was hurt as an adult by a stranger but I can relate to the fear of not wanting to trust *all men*/*all abusers* so much I lose myself in despair sometimes about my ""it"" too.)

My only suggestion is go slow because sex (consentual/desired/loving/safe/gentle/rough/skilled technique/sloppy technique)

does not fix or stop or remove or repair any previous abuse trauma &or betrayals

and can actually make flashbacks/tension much worse. The desire to fix it (our past,our feelings, our insecurities) right now (*now now now*) can influence us to demand too much from a new relationship or expect a new partner to be impossibly ultraperfect.

You do have actual brain signals/hormones ... changing chemicals in the blood causes both pleasant and unpleasant responses/sensations... just like everyone else but the recall of negative experience is not the same... it can be scary for your *eventually* loving partner also. So just, go slow... expect perhaps merely okay sex to happen at first... try again, despite setbacks... then slowly just enjoy awesome intimacy with someone who actually deserves you.