Very, very long story short: My mother has both bipolar disorder and BPD. She was incredibly emotionally and mentally abusive as well as neglectful. She abandoned me when I was 15 and I was put into foster care and haven't communicated since. I didn't know my father until I met him and his family (step-mother, three half-sisters) about 5 years ago. It didn't go well; they had an idea of who they wanted me to be, and I didn't match it. I was diagnosed with BPD 13 years ago and have had some really bad ups and downs with it. Though through a lot of time and a ton of counseling I have come to a point where I don't fit the criteria for BPD anymore, I definitely still have traits. This is how I know exactly what to expect from myself in a dating relationship--because this all looks very familiar and, try as I may, I cannot meditate, talk, or wise mind (or whatever, lol) myself out of going off the deep end even with the relatively short encounter J and I had.

And he is local--he actually currently lives within a few miles of me, but he isn't sure that's where he's staying. I believe him when he says, while the texting was an issue, it wasn't the ultimate issue. The whole thing made him realize that he hasn't had to be like, "Okay, I should communicate with this person daily or even every other day, they are expecting me to talk to them," in a while. When I said we should have just talked plainly about it, he said it ultimately wasn't down to that. I think he avoids conflict a little bit, and he's not being totally transparent with this. Maybe it pushed him away a bit (though he was aware I have an issue with that), but I believe him when he says that wasn't the whole thing. I want to. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But I hate the thought of someone blowing smoke because after all the stuff we talked about, I deserve a little more respect than that. We both do.

We all deserve love and care, but as much as I deserve it so does the person I'm with. And I don't think I can provide that. That's the point.