I don't intentionally create these barriers to keep out others. I am being honest that I don't know what it's like feeling capable of being loved by others or someone will go the extra mile for me to show me they are truly caring about me.

I'm not making it up and I'm tired of being downplayed by everyone in my life who doesn't understand. It's hell living and you're the only crazy/sane person who is locked up receiving the worst from others and they make it clear how much they don't like you, when you are yourself or not. It's very difficult it's like I've been conditioned by myself and the outside world from real experiences that were all traumatic, sometimes life threatening, that when I gave people a chance I felt it was real. It was me being an easy target. After years of being hurt a lot, and never given a chance, never feeling the feeling I'm searching for.

You don't know what to believe, you don't know how to feel it if it really happens, you don't know how to do much except treat others how you want to be treated, but for me I do that, but I never get that satisfaction I dreamed of having.