I got thinking about this again after encountering a comment about someone's "disgusting entitlement" over being annoyed by the presence of their parents while living in said parents' house.

This is painfully familiar to me, because I did the exact same thing, to the point of leaving. Otherwise though, my mother's mere presence and frequent interaction left me whining, crying, screaming, raging and otherwise acting like an entitled little ****, wanting her to leave me alone. Even now, talking to her on the phone is liable to leave me screaming in frustration after 15 minutes. That's all, I think, leave me alone. Yet I was using her utilities and eating her food, and couldn't (even if I could, probably would grudgingly) contribute financially: if she wanted to actually sit with me and watch me 24 hours a day, or blast music or talk into the middle of the night, I had no right to complain. Sometimes she actually would get me up late at night to do chores with her, or just talk about what a failure I am, or what she plans to do to me. It is entitled and wrong for me to be upset by this. I'm nothing but a leech and a destroyer of lives, and I was upset that I could never be left alone? That my internet was taken away arbitrarily? She could have taken my life arbitrarily, and it wouldn't even be a crime (her lawyer even confirmed this).

Before someone tries to say that interrupting someone every 5 minutes for little things, or waking them for no reason is a violation of boundaries, I don't deserve boundaries, or respect. This is a universal fact about me; I lost those privileges in early childhood. What I want to know is how to absolve myself of this guilt. I've offered to pay my mother back for whatever I cost her in those two years, have yet to hear a response.

I need punishment. I can't get rid of the past, or what I am: an entitled, useless leech. Surely though, there's some way to make up for it? Some kind of penance? But I can't think of anything.

Here's hoping I don't regret this panicky post in 10 minutes.