I'm not sure which forum to put this in. But I have been here a few years now, and I think most folks know my story. A quick run down foe anyone who is unfamiliar with what I have been threw, CSA, Rape, Spousal abuse. It has added up to PTSD and a end in my marriage. The issues I am trying to resolve at the moment are in hopes of reconciling or if nothing else freeing myself from my personal hell. I don't know what I answers I am looking for. I jsut need to be heard and acknowledged. If anyone has been through anything similar and has something to add please share with me either here or in PM.

I am reading a book suggested by someone here. It has been so helpful it is called "The Body Keeps the Score." The quote below is an insert form that book. I am using that quote to explain my situation.


Quote from The Body Keeps The Score - "It is natural for humans to calm themselves when upset by clinging to another person. This poses a problem for the individual who has been physically or sexually violated. They desperately crave touch while simultaneously being terrified of body contact. The mind needs to be reeducated to feel physical sensation, the body needs to be helped tolerate and then enjoy the comforts of touch" :End Quote.

That is me. So many times I have felt so alone, I just wanted someone to hold me and make it go away. It makes me uncomfortable to even say that. There have been times, whole groups of years gone by, where I have simply longed for someone to help me feel safe. (in the last 8 - 10 years) I'm not talking about during my childhood or teenage years. Just a warm embrace. But I could not allow that, I couldn't even ask for that, I couldn't receive that when someone tried.

The thought of someone doing that scares me. The thought of me participating in that is unimaginable. My H has hugged me, like when my horse died, I hated it. I hated the added sensations it offered on top of the pain I was already feeling. My H attempted to hug me and help me feel better when I was obviously upset. I couldn't accept his touches. That mad em feel terrible on top of how I was already feeling. I was in incredible pain emotionally. I wanted help, I wanted a release, I wanted to feel safety, but the touch sensation was more then I could bare.

For years I longed for a hug, just to let it all out. I can't even begin to explain the instinctual need one has to be hugged and how that feels. To want that and need that with every ounce of your being, and then to have it right there at your fingertips, if you would just ask. BUT you can't ask, you are unable to ask, unable to form the words. Unable to udder them. I COULD NOT say it. My body wouldn't let me. I couldn't say it to my own husband. (I know at the time he felt more like my persecutor then my husband.) But I had other sources of comfort and couldn't ask them either. My cousin, my brother in law, my family members. I just had the inability to ask for it,

The closest I could get to it was hugging a pillow at night when no one was around.There I could cry. It hurt so much. I had a horse who died about 5 years ago. He, my horse, was the only thing I could hug and really cry and it really be OK. You just knew he understood, you could feel it. A horse, much like a dog, can tell you when are sad or hurting emotionally and can tell what you need. They act upon that and you never have to ask. They mean no harm and will not tell and never ask for anything in return. That is the only time my needs were ever met in that way.

Over the years as my horse and other animals close to my heart have passed away and family members have passed away, I showed no sadness, no tears, no pain, even though I was dieing myself inside. I watched my H hug my sister after folks have passed way. I was envious of her. I wish I would find the relief she seemed to have the ability to feel. I simply cannot seem to let that happen.

Like I said I don't know what I am looking for, I jsut want to be heard and acknowledged mostly. If you have anything to add please do either here or in PM. Thank you for listening.