Well done not drinking, that's a huge achievement.

Why not cry, if that's what you feel like, cry until you fall asleep because there are no tears left. It will be some release of the pressure.
Can that be worse than feeling so bad and not allowing yourself to cry so it sticks inside?

Just thoughts, no judgement. I yearn for you to have some release. you try so hard.

And you give so much to people here.