My heart hurts for you because while our situations aren't identical, I do understand where you are coming from and the quote you posted described me as well. I crave safe touch (a hug or even just someone patting my back) but when I receive such touch I tense up and want to get away because so for so much of my life, touch (my fathers touch, specifically) meant something awful.

I also understand not feeling or expressing emotions when people might "expect" you to. Sometimes I feel incredibly stupid because I can't name my feelings, or because I think I'm feeling the wrong thing. Im afraid that no matter how much therapy I have, I may never be able to express how I'm feeling well.