Quote:
Originally Posted by ejayy78
My heart hurts for you because while our situations aren't identical, I do understand where you are coming from and the quote you posted described me as well. I crave safe touch (a hug or even just someone patting my back) but when I receive such touch I tense up and want to get away because so for so much of my life, touch (my fathers touch, specifically) meant something awful.
I also understand not feeling or expressing emotions when people might "expect" you to. Sometimes I feel incredibly stupid because I can't name my feelings, or because I think I'm feeling the wrong thing. Im afraid that no matter how much therapy I have, I may never be able to express how I'm feeling well.
|
Oh my gosh. You are right. We must be twins. You sound exactly like me. I am hyper sensitive to touch that is for sure.
I remember the one time my husband did persist in hugging me, and Lord knows I needed it because I was absolutely melting in front of him. I was just turning into a big puddle of tears, he hugged me and when I tried to get away from him he continued to hold me, that should have been a positive moment. But it wasn't. Instead I pushed him away with a stregnth I have never had before and yelled at him "Don't touch me, I hate you." I heard me say it. I didn't say it, but I could hear "ME" saying it. It was horrible. But deep down inside I was not talking to him, I was talking to my abuser. I can't begin to explain how it feels to be in that position. There are jsut no words to explain how it feels in that moment you think one person is someone else.
I'm the same way, I can't give most of my feelings names. I have gone online though and printed out a copy of one of those emotion charts for kids. It does help to have a facial feature and a emotion to go with it. That is what I have done to help me to begin to give feelings names. I tend to over react all the time. Everything feels like it is x10 or x 100. A slightly elevated voice feels like a yell. A angry undertone feels like a furious wrath to me.
Therapy does help, i am working in therapy right now to change these ways of thinking. It is difficult and exhausting, but if I am able to come out of this victorious it will have been worth every ounce of pain. Good luck to you on your journey. I hope you find the peace you are looking for one day.