I've been disconnected so long. I know my posts repeat. I don't want to see my therapist wanting to put me on meds. It's like giving me a cast when I have a viral infection.

It's just going to fester and get worse and treating it with something ineffective and more or less more harmful than without.

I demanded what I needed. I needed my mother to be a mother. I demanded a friend to be a friend. I demanded someone to put me in priority not because I felt I was super important I just wanted to feel it time to time or often. I just wanted to be acknowledged.

I make long posts, because I'm confused and scared people will never get me.

that my words don't matter how they do in my normal life.

I fear love and relationships with anyone, I can't take care of my own let alone someone else's feelings.

That feeling you were forced in the world with less and not much help at all. I was back at the place I was always stuck at. Being poor, and stuck, and even when I change my attitude it brings temporary relief.

I do my best, it's not getting me what I needed.

I envision it as affection in the sense of that I was given extra attention in one area specifically when I was abused my mom tried doing it, but immediately where we split apart was there. She never felt like my mother, more a stranger. That she was a authoritarian and a person who brings down the hammer on everything I felt.

When I was abused I didn't go to her. As a child, I only had myself. This is what adults do now, but I had to be forced to be an adult as a child.

Now as an adult, I never got what I needed. So relationships are more a non existent dream. I didn't want love, I wanted the peace and satisfaction of what I needed long ago.

No achievements I make help me feel better. It makes me more egotistical and angry sometimes ungrateful and brings very temporary short happiness.

I appear ungrateful because no one knows what goes on. That disconnect is what hurts me the most.

It's why I don't say I love you to my mom or anyone and mean it.