This is an interesting article Big Mama. I like the "name it to tame it" that is discussed and it is what you are working on which is important to making progress in your healing.

Trauma, Differentiation and Integration, and Neuropsychology | The Recovery Expert

You had been trying to express a lot of the challenges you were having and yet at the same time you were not sure what to do about it. You are a good person Big Mama and you tried to be a good person yet you were faced with behaviors in your husband where he would struggle himself and take it out on you. Your husband had a Jeckle and Hyde and when you live with someone like that it's very hard to have a healthy sense of trust, especially when it comes to any kind of intimacy including a hug. It is very hard to live with someone who can be so caring one minute and then become so demanding, intrusive and disrespectful and even mean the next.

When you talk about needing a hug and yet being so uncomfortable with getting hugs, it is totally understandable given how you have been hurt when it comes to feeling "safe" when it comes to someone else embracing you which is a very big deal when it comes to personal boundaries.

When you talk about life scenarios where you see others get comfort and hugs and how it makes you wish you could accept that kind of comfort what you are saying with that is that you don't know how to feel safe and that was never because you did not deserve to feel safe, but to you that is how it feels. You need to be able to talk about that and at the very least feel safe enough to do so. However, at the same time it's important that you feel safe enough doing so where you don't face someone else responding to that with some kind of simple "well just, or don't allow" kind of statement that is not recognizing the significance of the challenge you are experiencing. And having other sources, family to "ask" as you have mentioned, and yet not asking, well, I have experienced that challenge myself and it was mainly because I did not want to have the response of "well, just or you can't allow or even well, what did you expect which is a new one that I find hurtful and a crusher when I need to vent".

I can relate to needing to vent, but being at a loss of what I want when I do so. However, I slowly have come to recognize what I don't want and that is important to recognize too.

You have created distance from your husband that kept you in his cycle of being Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. It has not been very long that you have had that space Big Mama.
You were trying to get help and figure things out before, but that cycle was still there to deal with. Be very patient with yourself right now because it's going to take you time to adjust so you begin to gain a distance from that cycle psychologically where you are consciously more aware that you are not on that psychological time clock.