I have pretty accurate gut feelings. Ever since I learned what dissociation is (to a small degree, I'm sure), it's been eating away at me as something fairly important. For the most part, anytime I bring it up to any MH pro (pdoc, T, nurse, etc) they listen politely, perhaps make some notes, and don't talk much, if at all, about it again. If I bring it up again, just rinse and repeat. My current T is, at least, acknowledging that it's a bit of an issue, but again, it feels rather important to me, and I haven't been able to understand why, much less communicate it.

About 10 years ago, I began getting very intense feelings of nothing being real - not me nor anything or anyone around me. I had/have a constant sense of surrealism. Over the years, it slowly gets worse and worse. I'm at a point where I barely feel like I'm conscious. It's hard to remember what I did an hour ago. It's like it never really happened. I'm frequently forgetting many things to the point where it's become pretty obvious to people around me. When I do remember things, it's more like... You know that feeling that you heard this bit of information long ago, you don't know in what context at all, but just that there was that bit of information? Or that vague recollection of something you maybe saw on TV several years ago? My memory is constantly in that state at best - then ofc at worst, it's not really there at all. I'm not blacking out or anything, though. It's just been a progressively worse memory as a result of feeling less conscious. But it's confusing because I can still access certain amounts of information, idk. So it's two-fold, both my memory and current sense of state. Anywho.

To the point:

But then there is this other thing. Yesterday evening, I went to my T. I've been seeing him for 2-3 months, now. Lately, at certain times I have been feeling very depressed, hopeless, self-hatred, etc. in a pattern of another episode. So I brought it up to him. We talked a bit and ended up deciding I needed to make a boundary for myself since my parents, who I live with, are pretty hurtful in certain ways. I'm all pumped up, ready to express my boundaries, why haven't I done this before, it's so obvious! As soon as I get home, I have a few minutes to be alone and bam. "What was I thinking? I HATE myself, I don't deserve respect, I'm not worth the bother," etc. And then I go play my videogame, I'm really in the zone and talking with others and partying up etc (it's an online game). Anyways, you get the picture.

But this is not the first time this has happened. It's a pattern - and I can't stop it from happening. Really, it happens... a lot. I've sort of noticed it before, but once it really dawned on me, I started seeing to what extent this really happens. I can be having a discussion with people on YT about eh "intellectual" things, I can't think of a better word atm, and it's like I can analyze and figure everything out and sometimes it's exciting, it's like it's my calling. Then later when I'm laying in bed, again, I'm super depressed, stupid, what's wrong with me, etc.

It's the most annoying when it's related to therapy/counselling etc. The most potent example would be when I was a young teen. I went to many different counselors (not all at once ofc). I was REALLY struggling with very bad depression. But when I'd be talking with them, I'd be thinking, "Why on earth was I depressed? Life is great! LoL" and all the counsellors would say the same thing - "He's a really great kid! Nothing wrong with him!" Then I'd get back home and want to disappear forever.

It's not AS bad right now, in that I know that in those times I struggle a lot though it's hard to grasp why, I can analyze it a bit and be objective about it like a case study and explain a little to my T what's happening, so that helps a bit... but after yesterday I realized... wow... I really am still doing the exact same thing as when I was a young teen. And when I realized that, I started to see that this is more than just "putting on different social hats". I had always figured this was pretty normal.

So that's why I'm here - is this within normal (I say normal for lack of a better word atm but you know what I mean) ranges? Maybe this is something everyone has all the time lol idk. But I'm thinking it's not =p I'm sure it's not DID or anything like that, but yeah. I will be bringing this up to my T next time, and I'm seeing my pdoc next week too so I'll also mention that to him. But I'd really like to see what someone else thinks of all this.

And holy carp this was so long Sorry about that, I'm not thinking very well right now because I forgot to take my Effexor yesterday (I was so sure I took it too >< but my body is saying nope nope nope)