We started out as really good friends - married about 4 years after we met. Have been married for over 36 years. Still good friends and occasionally fall in love with each other

It is a running joke that he would offer something simple like "would you like a cuppa?" and I'd opt for a white tea with honey and would receive a black chocolate with no sweetener or whatever.... anyway I would speak words and they would reach him in a completely different order and meaning

Another (more frustrating) element was that he would respond to my first part in a conversation as though I had just given him a forceful order and his next response would be... "Okay - then THAT'S what has to happen"... From the very first time this ever happened I pulled him up on it and would say something along the lines of ... "Not a commandment, honey ... just joining the conversation. Do you have a different idea? Or, what did you think? You don't have to agree with everything I say. I really want to know what you think"

Over the years we have figured out it's a bit of a mother thing for him. His mother was the absolute commander of her tribe (12 children) and required instant and utter obedience at all times ....

So the sad (and lingering) repercussion for me is that we figured out that the first 10 or so years of our marriage I may as well have had a film screen in front of me and all he saw (and experienced) was the projections he expected rather than the real me that was on offer and he projected a rather mean bully. He would sometimes even flinch as though I was about to hit him (I never have and never would). This has left wounds that are having trouble healing as I don't trust him to hear me and too many of our conversations deteriorate into' checking back' and 'making sure' and' being careful about understanding' and it's like a heavy scab that we keep picking at and can't move on

ANY ADVICE FROM ANYONE OUT THERE? IS ANYONE ELSE EXPERIENCING ANYTHING LIKE THIS?