pinksoil asked me for some references for the stuff that i've been reading on erotic attachment (i hope she doesn't mind my saying so!) i thought i'd post a little about it here so that other people can join in the conversation too. basically... i spent a couple half days with google scholar searching for terms like "erotic transference" and "erotic attachment" and "male therapist" "female patient" "attachment to therapist" etc etc etc. got a LOT of hits (i'm not the most efficient searcher of information). not sure i could find some of those hits again even if i tried...

there was some stuff that was very meaningful to me, though. i'll try and relate it and then i'll try and find a link or two...

one article really stood out for me. i can't remember the theoretical orientation (something psychoanalytic, though). apparently freud thought that erotic attachment was detrimental. he thought that it was based in agression (desire to possess / dominate). that seduction of therapist was a defence etc etc etc.

important distinction:
erotic transference: feelings of love. thinking about a lot. sexual fantasies. idealisation. etc
erotisized transference: being all obsessive about it. making overt sexualized gestures / remarks. demanding sex. refusing to talk about anything else etc.

there was one article... and it was about how (after freud, i guess) whether a client experienced erotic attachment or not was taken to be diagnostic of whether they were a suitable candidate for psychoanalysis or not. if you didn't experience erotic attachment then you weren't suitable, basically. of course it isn't supposed to matter what gender your therapist is (in the sense that one can experience erotic attachment to ones therapist even though the therapist isn't the gender that you are typically sexually attracted to).

the oedipal phase... the notion is that around 2 kids are kinda narcissistic. experience themselves as being the centre of their parents world etc etc etc. have a special relationship with each parent. but then there is a growing awareness that the parents share a special kind of relationship (a closeness) that excludes the infant. so... jealousy... oedipal issues etc etc etc.

one of the articles talks about how... getting through the oedipal phase relatively unscathed involves coming to terms with the fact that the parents do have a special relationship and a special closeness that excludes the infant. BUT: that what enables that is that the infant starts to see that they share a special closeness each parent that excludes the other parent. what is the difference between the grown up relationship and the grown up - child relationship? sexual feelings are NOT acted on in the grown up - child relationship. the grown up is loved in an idealised (hence narcissistic) fashion... the infant meets the grown ups narcissistic needs in a way that the grown up relationship does not. the grown up relationship is reciprocal and sexual etc. more mirroring transference than idealising.

so... the infant learns that there is love without sexual contact etc. and idealises and loves and realises that that is kind of bounded (in that the grownups have their relationship too) but that that doesn't preclude them being special and their getting their needs met.

lots of times things go wrong around there, though. maybe... the grown up is terrified / dissociative about having erotic and / or sexual feelings for the child. as such... the child can feel ineffectual and unloved and incompetent etc. maybe the grown up is overly sexual with the child. as such... the child can be terrified / dissociative about the idealisation being unwarranted.

i guess i've been thinking a lot about how aspects of eroticism are supposed to be present in grown up - infant relationships. that it is normal. that it is supposed to give vitality and confidence and good feelings. that... my father was scared of me and rejecting of me. that... i'm fairly prone to depression and a lot embarrassed about erotic feelings. i guess this is something that is hard to talk about - especially in this day and age with all the focus on childhood sexual abuse etc. for a grown up to have an erotic kind of attachment with a child that is NOT abusive... the fear that others WILL consider it abusive. the boundary between abusive and non-abusive... i don't know... interesting though at any rate...

of course this is fairly culturally biased (two parents who love each other etc etc etc). but fairly interesting to think about at any rate.

makes some sense of why my stepmother hates me... insecurity... hmm