I really can't believe how much I relate to your experiences- it's quite uncanny.

anyway, maybe this won't seem like you but, I've found when I've not wanted to see the psychologist anymore -- there is a feeling of my fragile-inner self needing protection.
--- thoughts go through my head, "is he mad at me? will this cause him to distance himself from me? oh, I couldn't take THAT-- don't pull away from me! Maybe it's not as safe as I THOUGHT! maybe... maybe I better pull away before it hurts too much!"....

I know that feeling "pushed" can be an awful and scary feeling-- like being told to jump off the diving board when you don't feel confident enough to swim to the side safely. ...... however--- just maybe--- sometimes, we are pushed in ways that are uncomfortable in order to help us in ways that we (knowing and holding tightly to our comfort zone) might not push oursevles on our own??

I saw my T. for almost 3 years (quit a few times in that three years), and then abruptly quit 8 months ago-- have been emailing ever since and only went face-to-face once in that 8 months time. After about three months of us writing back and forth(I write about once a week-- to the point-- one or two paragraphs-- about many different problems I have going on in my life)... he wrote and told me-- "others have abandonded you, in your life, but I won't".... that really scared me!! I've pushed on and we are still writing, once a week, and I'm still scared.

I can very much understand the want to email or phone. Connections are difficult for me. I get nervous when I ponder that maybe he doesn't think of me but only when he hears from me--- and I also get nervous when I ponder that maybe he does think of me even when he doesn't hear from me...... ...... I often put myself in "can't win" situations somehow-- .....

there is so much more I'd like to explain here-- just wish I was better at getting things out of my head and understood by another...*sigh*.....

mandy