Dear T,

i don't know what to say. Last week you took away the fragile trust we had built. You promised me that you would never do anything to deliberately produce anxiety without it being a joint decision... and then you changed the rules. i was ok that you didn't return my call, but when you told me you decided not to because you wanted to discourage me from engaging in testing and re-testing, that was a breach of trust. You didn't talk about that with me, it wasn't a joint decision. You don't understand why i have been calling to test... and you didn't ask.

i want to be me with you. i want to be my authentic self and not the presentation that i am for everyone else. i wanted to learn to be me. i call because in doing that i am afraid of doing something wrong. i call to make sure you haven't been pushed away.

you want me to find ways of doing this on my own... but you never prepared me for it and you never discussed it with me. Now i don't know what you will do. Now i think it's not safe to call you. Now i think you will change the rules whenever you want and i know that means i need to hold back so that i don't fall.

i don't know how to trust you anymore. i don't know what to do. i think you made a mistake, and i want to be able to be ok with that part, but when it means such pain for me, what do i do? This isn't like other relationships. This is like open heart surgery, not a lot of room for mistakes.

i'll see you on Tuesday as scheduled and i hope you have ideas on how to deal with this because i don't.