Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Mama
I am glad you have found encouragement in this thread. I have found encouragement in this thread to.
I am sorry you live with a Jackel / Hyde husband. That makes it really hard. I would know. I don;t think mine meant to be that way either. It was a mix between just the way he is, and my over reaction to how he is.
I have sons to. One of mine is autistic so he can't really do touches. I did hug my boys but once they became teenagers, I took that age as a threat. They were past the age of innocence. So that makes you a threat when you pass that age.
My tears are the same way. I can let them go sometimes, SOMETIMES, in the T's office. They jsut flow, they are not associated with words. They are just from pain but a pain I can't find words to describe. I can usually talk through them as if it is not happening as they stream down my face. It is moist strange. My T doesn't respond to them. She doesn't touch me, she doesn't question Why I have tears. It is almost overwhelming if she offers me a box of tissues.
I hope you continue to find peace and understanding. I agree with you, there is healing and wholeness to be had. God gave my T a gift, a gift to be his hands and feet, and he has given that to many doctors and professional, and many of us in general. I really feel like my T has a true gift and is blessed with teh ability and knowledge to help others heal. I hope you have a good T of that you can find one to help you through this.
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Thank you for your kind words. You were true in your comment about the Jeckle / Hyde relationship I am in. It had not been a consideration that part of the stress and pain of our relationship has a lot to do with my reaction to his behavior. That was insight for me. That also gives me hope that it can change as I become stronger.
My boys are 17 and 19. When they were little, I tried as best as I could to shield them from their father's irrational behavior and anger episodes. I foolishly prayed that if the anger had to be released, that it would be me and not them that received it. I was not thinking about what I was praying. If I had been where I am now emotionally, I would have prayed something much different. Now, they are older and are completely aware of what's going on. They are very protective and have encouraged me to leave. I do not want to do that, because there is compassion in my heart for him. I believe with some medication and help, he could overcome where he is.
My tears will come back, and I believe I will cry and find a release. There have been tears before, that were either met with anger or ignored. For now they have been put away and healing is happening for events that have brought me to this point in my life.
My counselor is truly amazing!! I do not understand the openness and safety I feel talking with him. I can only say that it is a gift from God.
I read the last post on this thread about the 3 things life can give you. I liked the part about the sh#t being fertilizer. It can truly be used to fertilize new things to grow and be beautiful. God takes our ashes and makes beautiful things from them. I will not let go of that!!
Much love!!