Lost - you are definitely not taking over this thread. I want to say that very first. We are all here sharing, and that is what I wanted. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change things really, but having others who understand, or even don;t understand but are willing to not think I am crazy is all I want for myself and all of us.

It totally understand having body aches and pains for no reason. I know "that" part hurts sometimes for no reason, though I do not have that issue. I know that sexual abuse survivors often hold there pain in there stomach and abdomen, and there shoulders. Those are areas that are hard for others to be allowed to touch. That is why is is hard to receive a hug, or a pat on the back, or even have someone else's hand on your stomach. (like they are laying behind you and put there hand on your stomach or hug you from behind and touches your stomach.

I belong to a different site that is for survivors of sexual abuse, insest and rape. I just wanted to mention it here becasue someone may find it useful. It does take a little while to start getting your stuff posted, they just take extra precautions to keep your identity safe. It is called Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Support Forums & Chat Room . That site has been a huge help to me. Having a group of folks who all have a similar histiory is so helpful. The responses you get from different sites and the response you get from that site regarding this kind of thing are so different. There is a huge difference in support, and "been there done that, I live that hell to" kind of responces. I appreciate both though. They are both very helpful.

I hope for your sake that your emotions and tears become a part of your life and are not felt as if they make you a stranger in your own body. Good luck with this.

I love the words at teh bottom of your post "Fully & Completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there 's no way out." I told my T that very thing this past session. Having sex and having someone touch me puts me in my won personal hell. I feel like I wanna scratch and secrem, and claw myself out of my body. But I can't make a peep, I can't move. I can't say stop, don't, or quit. I can't push shove, or even crawl out of the way. There is no escape for me.

My T once told me life gives you one of 3 things. When life deals you lemons, what do you do with them, make lemonade, when life deals you roses, what do you do, smell them and be happy, but when life deals you sh it, what do you do? Not much of a blessing there, $h!t stinks, and sucks and not a lot you can do with it, but it is a fertilizer and you can cover it up and it makes the ground fertile and one day, some day when you plant something else there, something beautiful will grow. What kinda beauty are you gonna grow from your $h!t. I love my T, she is so funny. What a great way to explain the hand we are dealt.