Yikes! I'd probably feel the same way if all that happened to me too. So I get what you're saying. I'm bad with interpersonal relationships in general, friends or romantic. So the wall has been built and I haven't let anyone over for a visit. I have the same issues with my self-esteem and hating myself, something I'm now working on with the new T I found. But we're all lovable, it's just really hard to see sometimes.