Quote:
Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Thank you for your kind words. You were true in your comment about the Jeckle / Hyde relationship I am in. It had not been a consideration that part of the stress and pain of our relationship has a lot to do with my reaction to his behavior. That was insight for me. That also gives me hope that it can change as I become stronger.
My boys are 17 and 19. When they were little, I tried as best as I could to shield them from their father's irrational behavior and anger episodes. I foolishly prayed that if the anger had to be released, that it would be me and not them that received it. I was not thinking about what I was praying. If I had been where I am now emotionally, I would have prayed something much different. Now, they are older and are completely aware of what's going on. They are very protective and have encouraged me to leave. I do not want to do that, because there is compassion in my heart for him. I believe with some medication and help, he could overcome where he is.
My tears will come back, and I believe I will cry and find a release. There have been tears before, that were either met with anger or ignored. For now they have been put away and healing is happening for events that have brought me to this point in my life.
My counselor is truly amazing!! I do not understand the openness and safety I feel talking with him. I can only say that it is a gift from God.
I read the last post on this thread about the 3 things life can give you. I liked the part about the sh#t being fertilizer. It can truly be used to fertilize new things to grow and be beautiful. God takes our ashes and makes beautiful things from them. I will not let go of that!!
Much love!!
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I was definitely in a Jekyll /Hyde relationship. I can't begin to explain the insanity and confusion I was living in. (Feel free to look back at any of my statistics and you will be able to see right away) I was living with verbal and emotional abuse. Sometimes I wish he would have jsut hit me, so the world could see the hell I was living through.
I tried to protect my boys from there father to. I didn't realize that the greatest protection of all was to get them out of that situation. I tried to make up for the way there dad over reacted. I tried to use his example of yelling at me, to tell them "guys if you want someone to do something for you is that how you ask." I always hoped my kids would grow up to see their dad was wrong. I'm not sure I was able to make an impact on them like I had hoped. I stayed when I shouldn't have, thats all there is to it.
The last straw was when my son (he's autistic) asked me one day when I came home, "Did dad hurt you?" and in the same week my little girl said "It's ok mommy, Daddy makes me cry to." In the weeks to come my H told me in front of all my kids, the only reason I got married was to have someone to clean my house and cook my meals. That was it. I stayed for 12 more months as I planned my escape. It's insane really.
The things in my life that have lead to this point can be looked at as a terrible bunch of things that happened. I could throw myself my own pitty party, and sometimes I do. But from this $h!t I have been dealt, I have decided to use it as a blessing. I have worked threw most of my crap and I am able to help other young girls avoid the things I didn't. I can relate to ohters who have been in the same position. Sometimes you can't really relate if you have not been there and done that. So from a pile of $h!t comes forth a extra big heaping bunch of love and understanding. That is the greatest gift I can give someone.