Realizing that you are not a nice person is not an easy thing to accomplish with grace. I first feel sorry for myself and cry because I give myself excuses and I understand why I can be so nasty and then I go into my "F@#& the world" phase because I was shown hate so I have the privledge of showing hate back and I don't care about how nasty I can be-this world has been nasty with me-want me to be loving then give me love...
You know, a real b#@%*.
It see saws from self pity to world hate. I want to get off this see saw and be a normal human being and stop being so filled with ugliness towards other humans. I can't help it though-this society is so mean, stupid and annoying. I'm seeing things in black and white. I know there are good people, I'm a witness to kindness and have been treated kindly so why do I zero in on the ugly people and let them eat away at my soul?
I don't like feeling nasty. I try to keep it under wraps but it oozes out. Well, at least now I know that it's there. For the longest time I had no idea-I thought I was a nice person (ha!) and couldn't understand why a lot of people didn't like me. Poor Jax. Well, I smartened up and I saw the error of my ways but sometimes I just don't give a poop. Am I totally helpless and am destined to be a b$@%* for the rest of my life?