So I got to thinking on the ephemerality of our existence and this came to be as I was considering what it was that made life so vitally important to some and yet seemingly so dispassionately pointless to others.

The very duration of our mortal existence is cause for great joy to those whom are able to embrace their lives yet simultaneously it causes a sense of dire dread when the final days are given any real gravity in thought.

For those of us whom find each and every day a battle of wills which would shame the bloodiest of historic battle grounds there would seem to be no joy nor dire dread.

Yet in our heart of hearts, those of us who must do battle with this life we know this is not true, on the surface this is how it feels and we do indeed portray this sense of futility through our external persona. Yet deeper within us there are threads connecting us to that part of humanity which elates at this very existence we are gifted.

So how do we nurture these threads deep within us, how do we make them strong enough to do battle with that part within us which has been so horribly beaten down it can no longer keep the good fight in hand.

Just like so many here and throughout history I have been literally that person sitting in a virtually empty room, alone and in the dark just waiting for the minutes of the night to roll by. Having nothing of value, no friends, no lover, no job and worst of all feeling no purpose to my continued existence. Yet I survived, as did all of you who have been in that horribly desperate lonely place, but HOW did we survive.

I have tried to fool myself into believing the answer was a simple one, I have tried to fool myself into thinking I survived because I put my faith in my God and that he carried me through that terrible time. The truth is that God did nothing of the sort, I love God and I believe he loves me but to believe that God carried me, who am I kidding.

So what was it that enabled me to endure, to survive a time (times in actuality) where there was no hope, I had no strength or will to keep going, my life had failed in the worst possible way, I had given up on the fight. So how is it I am here today, what happened to enable me to be able to even be here considering this quandary.

Truth is I can still see one of those pivotal points very clearly in my mind but for the most part I cannot remember that point where I found the strength. Yet due to having memory of one such pivotal point I realise there must have been an event like it each time I found my life in ruins.

Do you recall any pivotal points in your own journey where you found the strength to continue the fight for survival. I wonder if it could help some of us who find ourselves in that terrifyingly dark and lonely place to know how some of us made it through, perhaps shining a light in the darkness so that they know there is a way through.

The singular pivotal point I can recall was me in a children's home at the weekend, it was a Friday night and all the other children were away on weekend home visits. There was the one night staff on duty and me, staff was in his locked bedroom and I was alone in the bathroom for our dormitory. I was sitting in the window bay staring out into the night and I remember feeling so frightened and so desperately lonely. I remember knowing that the time had come where it was my time to leave the world, I didn't understand this meant I was to commit S but that is what I was to do.

I had the method in my left hand and was literally about to proceed when I heard an Owl hooting in the night, its melancholy call just made my heart sink deeper still, I turned my stare from the black of the night and was moving my focus towards my arm when my eyes caught sight of a single bright green leaf outside on the window sill. Right there was a baby flower just beginning its life, it was so beautiful it broke my heart and I burst into tears. I put down my method of harm and opened the window to pluck this leaf from its place and suddenly I felt a harrowing sense of terror, what was I doing, I was about to murder this baby flower just because I wanted to hold it in my hands and right there and then I realised what it was that I was about to do to myself. I wanted so much to see this leaf grow into what ever it was destined to be so I promised this little green leaf that I would be there for it so when it needed someone to hug it I would be there to hug it and let it know it wasn't alone, here I found my strength, giving love instead of asking for it.

Much to my distress I never got to see what my beautiful little green leaf would grow up to be, one of the other kids saw I was watching it grow and he plucked it from its rooting place and ate it right in front of me. It hurt me so deeply to see him do that and to this day I still cannot forgive him his actions but ever since that day I have a great love for all new plants and yes, I actually hug trees so they know at least one other entity in the world loves them.