Today was awful. The depression has been seeping in over a long time, but I've been in denial because it's not always awful, all the time. And it's not always the depression all the time - my symptoms have been all over the map. This past week, though, the bright spots have been really few, and I feel like I've paid for them with a heavier low afterwards.

Last night I was up until 4:30AM with a series of crappy issues - animals & kids. So I'm exhausted. Then I get up this morning, and I start thinking about all the things we need to get done. I get overwhelmed, have a seriously anxious/urgent feeling about it all, and then start panic cleaning. I had a baby shower to go to this afternoon, and had a small fight with my husband just prior. I went anyway - sobbing to a friend right before that I didn't think I would make it, then forced myself, crying in the car on the drive there, then sucked it up. It was so hard to be there - I felt so overwhelmed at first, with the pressure of being social and how loud it was with so many women socializing. I wanted to run. But I stayed, because I didn't know how to leave gracefully, and I didn't feel like I had anywhere to run to.

I was offered some wine, so I had 2 glasses. I stopped myself before I had anymore, because it felt so nice to have something help me relax; it would have been bad to not be able to drive myself home, though. The wine helped me get through the anxiety and helped deaden the sensitivity to all the stimulus. But the whole time, even after I had relaxed some, I was dreading all the socializing and feeling like I would be paying big time for going out at all.

Which got me to wondering if anyone else has that experience of being able to override the depression (when it's not too severe) to get things done, but then paying for it later with a greater low?