Really sorry about posting so much in this thread. But I just want to add this and know what people suggest....

Ok... I'm often scared to make the kids upset. My worst fear from the very beginning was that they'd hate me. I was so nervous around them at first that I was scared to even talk or tell them what to do.

My dad had a gf when I was the same age,9, and she abused me. Badly. I'm going to leave it at that. Never admitted that on here ever. Well I now have PTSD from it and can't even talk about it to a T because I start flipping out. I'm 28 now. Well I always blamed my dad for ruining our life's, for bringing her around. To this day I hold resentment towards him and her. Now of course I would NEVER do is to anyone let alone a child. But I'm afraid that the kids will some day blame me for their parents splitting up and maybe "ruining" their childhood like this woman ruined mine. Their dad did start dating me before the divorce was over and their mom blames me of course. But it really isn't my fault they divorced. He left her because she was a drug addict and exposed the kids to it. So now I'm always scared to tell them what to do and discipline them and scared I'll be the "bad guy". So that's why I'm taking this really hard. I'm afraid my worst fears are coming true. If there's a possibility that he hates me as much as I hate my dads ex, or feel hated like I did, then I would never get over it. That's why I wanted to just leave... For good.

I told my bf to call me on his work break. I didn't even think to get his opinion on me telling his son about me being "sick". I think all I'm going to say is "you know I lost my job and I'm going through some things and I'm a little sad. I see a dr for it and I'm getting better. It's not your fault and I love you guys. I just need to get better so our family will be ok during this time. And if your feeling like I'm not there for you then you can always come to me and just let me know. I promise this is not your fault and I just want to be better for you guys." Big hugs after. Aaand now I'm crying lol.

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