Lately I have been on a high. I have spent $60,000 in antique collectables during the time span of a couple months. My sleep has been non-existent having been restless and wired up but very agitated and unproductive. I then had a nightmare. Reality began to sink in on how I have been behaving and what kind of role model I am being for my daughter. It hurt. By the next day I was up again. Another event in my life is bringing me back more into reality.

I have earlier befreinded an antique dealer. We got along terrific. He was looking forward to meeting me when he moves close to where I live, a return to a place that him and his wife miss living at. In an email, I went into a rant on how difficult it has been to take care of my mother who is in the advanced stages of dementia. I told him I needed to get away for a couple days. I then referred to a regular weekly episode of having to get her into the bathroon in order to clean her up once a week. I mentioned that she screams, bites, and kicks when I this happens. I failed to tell him that my mother is happily watching television after all of this.

Immediately the emails stopped being sent to me from this person who I was hoping would be my new freind. I think I have revealed an ugly side of me. But I do not think he is seeing this outburst as evidence of that. At least I hope this is not true. However, when I told him that every week, when I give my mother a mandatory shower, she screams for the police. I must have come across as a monster. Most of the public is in what I term a "willful denial" about mental ilness and that there is an ugly side of this. In my mothers case, she needs to be made to clean herself. For several months now this means my daughter's mother and the female caretaker gives her this shower, washing her, and dressing her afterwards.

Still, I must of come across as a lunatic in my email to him. This together with relating to him what I have done to my mother every week must have been apalling to him. He is in his late seventies. So even though I can rationalize my part, I now know I have been "manic", and probably have come accross "crazy", and being a "monster" in how I have been treating my mother. I want to state here that I am not happy at all with what I find that I periodically need to do to take care of my mother. It has been breaking my heart. But if I cannot see to her basic needs, she can be taken from me.

I think I made a big mistake with my freind. As I can do, I have ended up mishandling a relationship that has been becoming important to me. Yesterday, I was driving around with another freind like a maniac. Fortunately he is aware of my problem. I also texted my daughter with my rants om how great this will all turn out in the end. She has been worried as watches me go through most all of my bank account. Last night I had a kind of breakdown during an emotianally ridden night.

What do you guys think? Have I lost this person who I was hoping will become my new freind? Scaring him? Most importantly, what have I done to my daughter's thought of me? Scaring her? I am really distressed right now.

Tucson

PS I had been taken off my anti-manic medicatiin just before this happened. I am now titrating up on Risperidone which will take another couple weeks.