Long story short, many of you know that in October 2014, Mrs Webgoji's libido basically ... disappeared. She's been to both the doctor and her OBGYN and both say everything is normal physically. She hasn't even started perimenopause. She's changed psychologists and has even moved from SSRI's to an atypical antipsychotic. Still nothing. Basically, it seems to be just gone with no rhyme or reason.

Needless to say, I've had plenty of time to think about my role in all of this. And I've come to some conclusions.


The general advice out there doesn't work in my case.

Sex educators say that the partner with this higher libido should masturbate more. But that does nothing for the emotional bonding I'm looking for. It can actually do the opposite.

They say you should be more physical in non-sexual ways. But this leads to increased frustration. The partner with the higher libido will invariably get turned on and now have to deal with rejection.

They say you should talk about and negotiate your sex life. You can't negotiate with a no. My experience is that the partner with the higher libido just comes away from the conversation frustrated and rejected and the other partner ends up feeling terrible.

So I've really been looking at how I need to deal with this and these are the things I've recognized.

• The problem is mine, not her's. Problems are internal and not external and it's my reaction to the situation that's the issue for me. Her needs and wants are being fulfilled, thus Mrs. Webgoji doesn't have a problem.
• Avoid further frustrating myself. Over the past year-plus, I've tried everything from hand-written love letters to romantic evenings to chocolates on the pillow ... you name it. But I'm only serving to further my own frustration. It's better to redirect my emotional energy somewhere else. Like writing or video games.
• The reason we get frustrated and angry is because we expect a situation to be something other than what it is. Our situation is not one of lovers anymore, but ... domestic partners. I have to accept that or else I'm just struggling against reality.

I've got a lot more learning and dealing to do, but it seems to be coming along and my frustration and rejection is slowly dropping off.